Yesterday I started doing things around the house as soon as I got home. I threw bedding in the wash and helped my youngest make her bed. I lost a set of sheets somewhere between home and the condo. This upsets me, but I'm going to address it today. I'm going to be doing a lot of things today. I worked in my room this morning, moving things around, putting a chair out in the hall to create more space. I'm not done yet, but I have a better handle on the functionality of the space. My vision of a laundry area in my room is coming together and I'm super excited. When an aunt of mine moved from a large home to a smaller condo I inherited a large Oriental pot. I really like it, but it's so large and heavy that my plants are dwarfed by it. My new idea is a take off on a thought I had earlier. I'm going to get some sort of covering or flat surface if I have to, but I'm thinking that if I can place a laundry basket or other container on top of it, I can use that for things that need to be ironed. 

I set my ironing board up between my two windows and put a soft sided basket on the chair in the corner. I had a woven basket with extra blankets at the foot of my bed. It looks much better beneath the window and now I don't have to walk around it or worry about tripping over it if I sleep on that side of the bed at night. On the far side of my bed is a smaller basket. I've gotten into the habit of wearing a lot of things to bed at night so I keep my eye pillow, eye mask, scarf, and my thin woolen gloves in there. Ideally this would all match, but for now I'm so happy to have these items in a single contained space that I'm not really worried about it. Another idea I'm testing out is using a tiered basket designed for fruit and vegetable storage as a repository for our hat and glove collection. So far I love it for functionality. There are three concentric storage spaces and three people in my family so that worked out perfectly. It's also a great visual and a logical place to stash hats and gloves when people come in through the front door. Now that my garage is cleaner and I can park in there I may move this, but for now I'm testing it out.

Since I haven't stripped my bed recently I did that. I threw my sheets down and made a mental note that the sheets I put on my bed are slightly too small. They're fine for now, but I'll ask my ex if he wants them or donate them to Goodwill. Last night I stopped at the condo because the girls needed things they had forgotten. I don't like making special trips, but this was on our way home so I didn't mind stopping. At the condo I picked up a painting of mine he had hung on the wall. This is what gets me about him. He has a really nice collection of pieces since he did some work for a woman who was an artist or owned an art company, I forget the details, so instead of letting me have a painting that my friend gave to me, he wanted that and the framed and matted pictures he picked up when he stopped by. Yesterday he set up my daughter's broken bed. She was upset about it and I don't blame her for not enjoying the view of welding joints that had yielded under exceessive force and pressure.

After the beds were made I had the girls take rinse off showers. Our floors in the bedrooms need to be refinished or sanded so we end up with flakes of whatever coating was used back in the day. I'm a big believer in a clean body before bed, but the girls usually complain about having to spend a couple of minutes bathing or showering. I was reading my Total Relaxation book and I'm so happy I picked that up on a whim. It speaks about the levels of tension and relaxation, the book has five; muscular, autonomic, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Yesterday I was thinking about my sister's house and how she has too many things in it that make it look smaller and more cluttered than it needs to be. My youngest sister doesn't have a problem with it, the sister who owns it says they use everything, and perhaps this is true, but I think they would be much happier if they got rid of at least seventy-five percent of the objects in that room. Three bookcases are not better than one necessarily and art hung on the walls simply because one owns it can contribute to visual clutter.

I'm thinking about my room and the environment I would like to create in there. I am a bold person, but my bedroom should be a refuge, a sanctuary, a place where I can go when I am tired, worn out, exhausted, sad, humbled, joyful, sexual, crying, or needing a break. I want to get a rug for my room. So far I'm thrilled with how well the rugs I've purchased add dimension, texture, interest, and depth to our flooring. In my living room I have a thick pale blue and cream colored wool rug. I threw that over carpeting that was once whiter and brighter than it is now. In my kitchen we have maple hardwood that was laid at an angle. I bought a an off-white and navy rug that cools down the yellow of the maple, and down my hall I have a wool Oriental runner in navy, linen, and a dusty rose color. It's been surprisingly cohesive since I bought things without knowing how they would go or transition from one room or space to the next. It's an eclectic collection that I think suits the areas and reflect the personality of their owner. 

Next on my list is going through the bookcase in the living room. It's not to my taste and I need to go through the books and make decsions about what I'm going to keep. I asked my ex if he would bring my desk and bookcase from the condo over. He said that he would and I hope in this instance he's more reliable than he's been in the past. Being able to pull elements together to evoke a feeling within people when they enter a room is a skill I'm adding to my set. It's inspiring to see that I can use what I have, add or subtract things, and give a space an entirely new impact on viewers and end users. Another thing that was very upsetting was seeing a set of eight pound weights over at the condo. He had said my sister could use them so we gave them to her and then I asked for the eight and fifteen pound weights back when I wanted to start building up my upper body. He took them without asking, probably forgetting that he had promised them to my sister and not knowing that we had agreed that I could have them. That really bothers me so I'm going to think about how I want to handle that.

This is one of those things that is superficially about the weights, but more about my need to assert myself when I feel a boundary has been violated. He gave the weights away so if he wants them back I feel as if he should ask about them. I feel like he came over, took a couple things that he wanted, left a bunch of things that I would like out of the house, and it's really hard to describe how I felt when I saw the boxes of condoms sitting out in the living room on my desk. My daughters are sharing that living space and to me that shows a lack of maturity and insensitivity to the innocence of their youth. I'm sure they know what's going on, but being confronted with blatant evidence like that makes me wonder what thoughts are going through their minds. Yesterday some of the things my mom said really upset me. You really don't realize how hard what you're going through is until you can step back and get some perspective.

For probably the first time in years I pity him. I'm beginning to associate him more and more with our fathers, mine and his. They're pathetic and pitiful in separate and distinct ways; one has been blessed with material possessions and wealth while the other has a great deal of education and intellect which is not to diminish the intelligence of the other. Yet both of these men have a deep longing for companionship and time with their children that they aren't getting. My ex is revealing some of his true colors and the girls are seeing that. He had a choice to make, I had the same choice. Go out with someone else, or work on fixing ourselves first. As far as I've come I can't imagine cheating myself and someone I care about out of a more cohesive and healthier relationship than anything I've experienced in the past. Last night when I was cuddling with my daughter in her freshly made bed she told me that she wanted to spend her upcoming birthday at the mall with me and her sister. She called it Girls Day Out and named the stores she wants to visit.

There are times when the lessons my children teach me move me to tears. There are days when I look at my life and the waste and bitter, empty, frustrations that I've allowed myself to get caught up in since drama and turmoil are familiar to me. I took an Epsom salts bath before I went to bed last night. I took two of my B complex vitamins and a lot of the pain I normally have while I'm going about my day subsided. It's bothering me that the fridge hasn't been cleaned out recently. I bought some containers and will work on putting simple meals together that we can put into those containers and heat up or eat for a meal. I've largely ignored beauty and simplicity in my life until now. Today I am able to appreciate flowers for their own sake apart from food for bees. Today I understand how a throw blanket or a pillow can soften a room. I need that softness and yielding in my life. I need things that conform to me and comfort me. I received a pillow suggestion from someone and I'm going to go out and get some more pillows so I can have them on my bed every night.

Today I'm wearing my yellow shirt my aunt gave me. The dishes are done and the fridge will be cleaned in a minimum of time with minimal exertion. My mom is willing to come over and help me clean in my basement. Both of the girls fell asleep in the car on the way home yesterday. Knowing that they felt safe enough to fall asleep eased some of the ache in my heart. I rarely fall asleep without going through a litany of worries and fears. I did okay last night, there was some miscommunication yesterday that stressed my family out since the girls wanted to be on time for the party, but wewere able to get a ride out to Madison which saved me some money and gave us a chance to spend more time with my mom. I didn't get to hear the story my oldest is writing. I owe her that and some time to fill out paperwork. Today is a day to talk to the girls and make some lists and do some dreaming and catching up. It's wonderful having them back in my life for seven days and one of them is already gone so I have to make the most of every moment of the remaining six. 

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