Almost forgot to write today. Went to my job interview. Thought it went well. Still not sure if I should take it if I'm offered the job. Had major anxiety. Tried laying down, woke up with my stomach flooded, I don't know if it comes from my mind or my body. My house is in need of cleaning. Broke a glass bowl. Swept it up, but need to go over the floors again. Listening to Eric Clapton. Got some writing done. Laid in bed, jumped out of my skin when thunder ripped the sky open. More rain followed by sun. I want to go outside, but don't. Party for my niece at my sister's tomorrow. More anxiety. Been going on the Periscope app more. Find that it helps to talk out loud even if it's just me talking to myself. Have been out of my regular vitamins for a while, noticed decline in mood so I just popped a Vitamin B Complex.

I feel so screwed. Saw an ad for a personal banker. I'm tired, more than that I'm exhausted. Same old, same old. Listening to sad music makes me weepy. Know I need to get my act together. Started reading The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense. Brilliant book, tough to read, harder to recognize when I'm being attacked or baited. So much to learn and do. So confused. Anxiety medication helps some, but feel like it's just scratching the surface and not really addressing the real underlying issues. Not sure what to do or where to go next. Everything hurts. Drove to the gas station just to see people. Bought some junk food. Don't feel as guilty as I probably should. Ex said he would come over on Wednesday. Never called, never showed. No apology.

House has mice. He doesn't care. Windows are dirty, he doesn't care. I can only do so much. Bought groceries and haven't been eating much of what I bought. Annoyed with myself for not being able to figure more of these things out. So nervous to get the girls back. Hard to deal with the bad habits we've taught them. Feels like I have no help as a parent or a person, but I know I do have friends who care. Laid down, fell asleep on loveseat in back room. House could be so cool with just a little effort and money. Hard to make myself not care about things others don't care about either. So low and sad today. Just feels like I'm ticking off the meaningless days until I'm able to do less and less. This isn't how I want my life to end...

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