Yesterday I felt much better after taking my vitamins. Today I am very tired. I stayed up late again. I need to stop doing that. The girls are here. My ex is putting up beds so they have a place to sleep, but he forgot bedding and some of the nuts and bolts and screws we need so he has to go back for those. The girls were in a car accident yesterday. He was driving the wagon with them in it, my youngest daughter said that his girlfriend hit them from behind which caused them to hit a vehicle in front of them. Nobody told me what had happened. I feel like this is the kind of thing that should be communicated to a parent. The girls seem to be fine apart from a sore neck my youngest reported. The trailer hitch was messed up so he'll have to get a new one if he wants to be able to pull his trailer or use the bike rack.
I got a message from someone who said that they wished that I could enjoy my house the way that it is. I wish this too and there are times when I do enjoy it. Yesterday I flopped onto the loveseat and napped under the fan. I was raised to believe that nothing was ever good enough. We didn't step back from a project, evaluate it, and celebrate its completion. We moved on right away. After a project was finished there was no time for reflection. It was on to the next thing and there was always another item on the list that we had to check off. The girls have beds up in their rooms. My ex broke what was already an unstable bed by leaning on it when he stood up. It doesn't really matter what you give him, there's little evidence to support the fact that he takes care of things.
I love that bed. It feels like a part of me is broken and damaged. I feel like I can't count on him for anything. So I have to learn how to not count on him. My books are helping. Today I was able to use a leveler skill and act like a computer by stating the facts to the girls. We don't have bedding for you now, but we're going to get you some. I can't afford to have your room painted now, but let's take delight in being here together today. I bought a pillow and put it in my oldest daughter's room. It's a cool satin with a velvety chocolate strip and muted blues with tiny ivory stripes. She loves it and it goes with the bed she has in there and I'm happy for her and thankful that I saw that pillow and decided to purchase it.
It will take time, I want to move the dressers around, I feel a need to create some safe spots for my children. Now that they have rooms of their own, and I have one I'm not sharing with anyone, we can use these spaces as retreats. There have been very few times in my life when I've had space of my own. My bed feels too big with just me in it. By working with bedding and pillows and throws, we can take advantage of the natural light and shadows that come into the rooms. When my daughter is at school, I think I will use her room as I've always particularly loved her view. The view out of my bedroom windows is my neighbor's house across the way. It's a stately red brick, but the wife is so unhappy and the husband seems disinterested and self-absorbed that I don't feel peace when I see their home despite their immaculate yard.
The anxiety I had yesterday has subsided slightly. I did the dishes, picked up in the living room, and fluffed the pillows on my loveseat. There are things I own and items he is letting me use. Eventually I will arrive at a place where everything under my roof is my own and the walls and floors and ceilings are mine too. Today I am listening to the singing Tibetan bowls. There's running water that sounds like rain in the background. I love music, it speaks to me in ways words fail. I'm tired today. I want to buy some laundry baskets, I have more laundry downstairs that needs to be folded. I tied a scarf around a chair, I need a place to keep my scarves where they're more accessible. I want some books, some peace, some quiet, something interesting. The beds are a new project, I'm excited to have this time with the girls and I'm going to spend it very economically and wisely which makes me feel good about myself, my children, the world, and everyone in it.