John is a man of UNIX to the core (or kernel *hehheh* yeah, bad pun, just shoot me now). For a while, he's been somewhat detached from life but now John has decided to go to a bar with his colleagues - he hasn't been to a one in years. John's wife left him some five years ago after realizing she only came second in priority, right after the console display.

First, John heads to the counter and orders a beer.

 $ talk bartender

After that, he takes a seat at a nearby table, where his colleagues are already sitting. All the colleagues are silent or talk about the same topics they always discuss at work so, John feels a bit frustrated and makes a logical decision.

 $ while true ; do talk bartender ; done

At first, the colleagues don't even notice John's absence but, after a while they interrupt his beer-drinking process and half force him with them to the dancefloor.

 $ smbd

At the dancefloor, John notices some very attractive women - something he hasn't seen in a long time, being so busy at work and all. Being a bit drunk by this time and having his long-forgotten hormones stirring up a strange feeling, John's sense of ego is at its peak; John feels women are a lot like UNIX, they get better with age. Those young ones just don't cut it. Guess I'll have to do something about it, John thinks to himself and

 $ wall 

 Broadcast message from john (pts/0) Fri Sep  5 01:09:00 2001...


is all it takes, women start to gather around this beer-bellied man in his forties. All the more increasing his attractivity are the straight pants from a three-piece suit and the T-Shirt that states "<BODY>" on the front side and "</BODY>" on the back. I knew it was a good choice, John thinks to himself. Makes them chicks think I'm a modest millionaire, clearly.

From among the women around him, John finds one particularly interesting marketing secretary, Lizzy, 33 years old.

After a moment of dancing John has to make the obvious check

 $ df -k /dev/lizzy
 $ free

And that's it, the couple gets out of the bar, gets a cab and after playing the Visa song, John is pretty close to scoring. It really has been a while from the previous time. With a moment of thought John recalls what he's actually supposed to do and gets to it.

 $ unzip
 $ strip `which lizzy`

John's CPU is starting to heat as he renders Lizzy naked. After this, he makes a serious move and performs a portscan on Lizzy.

 $ nmap

He finds two open ports and initiates a connection to the high port. Data moves at a pretty quick pace but, as root John feels he must gain access to the privileged low ports. After a bit of configuring, his daemon is quickly linked to the new port. As a smart man, John naturally has a transparent proxy and a firewall in between, to prevent viruses from entering John's intranet.

 $ cat Makefile
        install -g root -o root -m 0755 penis /lizzy/vagina
        (mount ; umount ; mount ; umount ; mount ; umount) > /dev/audio
 $ make love

In a bit John gets an overwhelming feeling

Buffer overflow.

As a gentleman John thanks the lady for sharing warez with him and soon after that happens the obvious.

 $ sleep 25200

In the morning John feels truly awful. Luckily, Lizzy has at least made coffee.

 $ emacs -f coffee

John feels nauseous after all the beer-drinking the previous night and he has to visit the toilet.

Segmentation fault: Core dumped

This improves John's feeling a lot and he would now like to get to know Lizzy a bit better.

 $ whois lizzy

Lizzy tells she's an underpaid, overworked employee for a large corporation, tired of her life and generally not getting laid often enough. Even the title marketing secretary is a bad joke made up by her boss. John looks at the lady with his blood-shot eyes and confesses he's no millionaire either - he was just trying to get laid. Lizzy says she knew it but, she played along to not lose the shag she was finally able to get. John thinks this to be incredibly romantic and tries to get Lizzy all warmed up again.

 $ telnet lizzy 69
 telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused

"Not anymore, I got this headache and all", Lizzy says, excuses herself and leaves.

"Women - exactly like UNIX - takes skill", John mutters to himself and turns back to his beloved dumb terminal.

Note, the idea for this writeup is not originally mine, I just took the liberty of translating and editing an old joke and adding a bit of "drama" in it.

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