If you're concerned about home defense, you're concerned about family. And if you care for your family, you know that nothing says "I love you and want to save you from a horrible death at the hands of those damned, dirty apes" like Pineapple Defense's Marmalade 2100.
The Marmalade is more than just the best jet-turbine all-aspect marmoset for your family's home defense budget. The Marmalade is stylish, winning the top award for "Cutest Defense Accessory" in the 2009 VH1 Cyberfashion Awards. And it's powerful: beneath the soft, furry exterior is a cold fusion generator that enables the Marmalade to go from hover to 200 kph in less than 5 seconds while carrying a 90-pound child! The Marmalade 2100 can fly your entire family to safety before needing a recharge from any standard dryer outlet.
The Marmalade packs quite a punch: this tiny cybersimian's loveable blue eyes are equipped with sapphire lasers that can cut through 3 inches of steel in less than 10 seconds. This defensive laser vision is comparable to the offensive capabilities of popular assault monkey models like the OrangBang. With the projectile upgrade, your Marmalade can fire up to 100 rounds of 9mm ammunition per minute*! Rest easy knowing that your Marmalade marmoset can hold its own against mauraders ten times its size.
Concerned about threat detection? The Marmalade contains the only true all-aspect sensor array on the market. In addition to 500-yard motion detection, infrared, ultraviolet, and ultrasonic sensors, the Marmalade has a full-spectrum neurologic probe -- your Marmalade will know an attacker's plans before he does!
The Marmalade can anticipate your family's every need. It can learn up to three languages and comes pre-programmed to sweep floors, sort laundry, bake cookies and slaughter most common livestock. It comes with software upgrades approved by the National Education Association to help tutor your kids in math, science, and reading while it protects them from the legions of doom!
Don't settle for just any home-defense marmoset -- buy the best. Visit your local monkey store and bring home a Marmalade 2100 today.
* Due to U.S. federal
monkey restrictions, the Marmalade 2100's firing capabilities are semi-automatic
; the marmoset individually aims every shot for great justice
. After-market attempts to create a fully-automatic marmoset will void
all warranties and make the marmoset illegal in North America. However, those seeking greater firepower capabilities can install 3rd-party surface-to-air missile
attachments or Pineapple's "Flinger" grenade