My ex-boyfriend is in love with my best friend.

I suppose I had always suspected it. Since our first year of university they have been close friends. There was talk of the occasional brush of a hand against a leg; a farewell embrace lasting a little too long; constant emailing over the holidays. But he had a girlfriend, and by the time he had broken up with her, she had a boyfriend.

So he started dating me for the sole purpose of getting closer to her.

Sadly it wasn't that simple. The way things turned out I became far too emotionally attached to him. He broke up with me after a few months. We stayed in touch until today, when I found out that at the New Year party they had both attended, he had been hitting on her in front of her boyfriend. I am wrecked.

I can't talk to him any more, and so I have lost one of my closest friends. I guess I should choose my friends more carefully from now on.

I had two different dreams last night and they were both horrible for different reasons.




I was at a party and I was feeling unsafe. This was an omen. My friend's father has a friend and he is rich and powerful and nauseating. He buys me, and I have to go to bed with him. He takes me to his house through a road filled with obstacles and horrible weather. We go to bed and though I do not remember them, I know horrible things happened. I know he had something he threatened me with. I know he had a weapon. I wake up and the feeling was that it was very late and I've missed everything, and nobody knew where I was and I had this sickening feeling of urgency that I did not know where to place. His son walks into the room, an innocent eleven-year old, and says "Hey, you are new!" and I feel the need to be nice to him. He tosses me a baseball and I respond by gravely tossing it back to him. I know Nauseating Rich man is watching us with disgusting pleasure but I do not look down. I feel like hurting myself in horrible ways. I don't know where I am.




Continuation of the first dream. I walk out onto the sidewalk and the weather is spring-like and wonderful and I feel like everything is going to be alright, even if I'm hurt and barefoot and cold. He's looking at me from down the street and I run towards him like a child, not caring if there's glass or rocks below or if I'm scaring anyone. I run and he comes to greet me and I am so glad! I am safe. I am safe like I've never been before, because I never feel safe, and he says "do you want to hear something?" and yes! I light up, yes yes! Please tell me something. And he does, and I devour those beautiful words as a hungry orphan a hot lunch. It is a lovely weather outside and he wants to walk with me. Why yes, I would love to. Sit here next to me, and I do. Following directions has never been so delightful. I feel his arm wrapping around me and I feel like we are both content, because I love it here, and he actually likes wrapping his arm around me. His happiness makes me so glad.


In this dream I dream a sweet dream but when I wake I am sitting right where I was but the arm around me is fabric, it is just a huge fabric doll that my delusional self has wrapped around herself. Now it is dark and late outside and the doll is too dirty and broken and I know I wasn't really safe, I never am, nothing is going to be okay because everything that's ever happened is always going to be there and it weighs inside me like I am holding onto a thousand bricks and I don't feel like I have enough strength to get up from there and I just keep holding onto the doll and closing my eyes hoping it'll reverse itself into life.

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