It seems easier, but maybe it's not.

It seems easier to not think about all the problems that you have. It seems that if you just push each little disappointment in yourself to some far recess of your mind that it will be easier for you to live. Maybe if you don't think about all the things that you have done wrong and are doing wrong they won't exist. Then you can walk through your life pretending that nothing is wrong and therefore you will be happy all the time.

But maybe you're not really happy? And maybe you haven't really forgotten all those things, and maybe you do think about them. Maybe you're just fooling yourself.

I walk around in a constant state of denial. I talk about Marty and losing him as if it doesn't bother me. And I honestly feel like it doesn't bother me. But it does, I just choose not to acknowledge it.

Instead of feeling the pain of his loss, I feel the pain of complete absence of feeling. I feel an emotional death, a death stronger and more powerful than anyone can realize, including myself. I'd rather feel the pain of loss than not feel at all.

Every joy I should feel, and want to feel, is lessened to the point of non-existance. I think of the person that I used to be and it makes me want to cry, but I can't. I think of the energy and the life I used to have and it makes me want to cry, but I can't. When all is dead, what do you do?

I thought I had pushed all thoughts of him out of my mind but I haven't. Everytime I look at a man I think of him. Sinead O'Connor sings Nothing Compares 2 U, and I used to think that was the hokiest song I ever heard. But now I find myself living it.

I live every day trying to find a way to make things better but I never actually do anything to make it so. I think about transferring schools but I don't fill out the paperwork. It seems easier if I just push those thoughts out of my head as well. And they seem to be gone, it seems like I have forgotten my disappointment in myself. But every time I do something wrong a list of all the old wrongs immediately springs up like a hard link to the past.

I think about getting caught up on my bills but I don't. And I think that I have pushed all those old bills into that far recess in my mind but everytime I get another bill in the mail I am reminded of all those from the past.

It appears as if the far recesses of your mind aren't really so far off. It's time to stop whining about past failures. It's time to deal with the past and leave it in the past, it's time to deal with the here and now.

Only thing is: How do you do it?

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