It seems easier, but maybe it's not.
It seems easier to not think about all the
problems that you have. It seems that if you just push each little
disappointment in yourself to some far
recess of your mind that it will be easier for you to
live. Maybe if you don't think about all the things that you have done
wrong and are doing wrong they won't exist. Then you can walk through your life pretending that nothing is wrong and therefore you will be
happy all the time.
But maybe you're not really happy? And maybe you haven't really
forgotten all those things, and maybe you do think about them. Maybe you're just fooling yourself.
I walk around in a constant
state of denial. I talk about
Marty and losing him as if it doesn't bother me. And I honestly feel like it doesn't bother me. But it does, I just
choose not to
acknowledge it.
Instead of feeling the
pain of his
loss, I feel the pain of complete
absence of feeling. I feel an emotional
death, a death
stronger and more
powerful than anyone can realize, including myself. I'd rather feel the pain of loss than not feel at all.
Every
joy I
should feel, and
want to feel, is lessened to the point of
non-existance. I think of the person that I used to be and
it makes me want to cry, but I can't. I think of the
energy and the
life I used to have and it makes me want to cry, but I can't.
When all is dead, what do you do?
I thought I had pushed all thoughts of him out of my mind but I haven't. Everytime I look at a man I think of him.
Sinead O'Connor sings
Nothing Compares 2 U, and I used to think that was
the hokiest song I ever heard. But now I find myself living it.
I live every day trying to find a way to make things better but I never actually do anything to make it so. I think about transferring schools but I don't fill out the
paperwork. It seems easier if I just push those thoughts out of my head as well. And they seem to be gone, it seems like I have forgotten my disappointment in myself. But every time I do something
wrong a list of all the old wrongs immediately springs up
like a hard link to the past.
I think about getting caught up on my bills but I don't. And I think that I have pushed all those old bills into that far recess in my mind but everytime I get another bill in the mail I am reminded of all those from the past.
It appears as if
the far recesses of your mind aren't really so far off. It's time to stop whining about past
failures. It's time to
deal with the
past and
leave it in the past, it's
time to deal with
the here and now.
Only thing is: How do you do it?