The presence of Human Charlene on board the Prosperity was considered a low point at first in Porbxmel series of documentaries to the Andarian people. What at first they thought was going to be a touching moment complete with Seen For The First Time, human carnal bliss followed by the creation of another human being was actually a small quarrel involiving the business end of a couple of tools.
The Andarians tried to make heads or tails of all of this. Some believed this was why humanity never sent a gender pair of humans to the same ship, as clearly interactions between them are prone to violence. It was a particularly sticky problem for the Commander, as well - not knowing how to deal with the fact that humans were clearly prone to violence, and that they could repurpose tools to that effect. At first they thought violence was limited to the females of the species, but when it turned out that Charlene was acting inappropriately and out of character for most normal human interaction - well, that was tricky. Because Porbxmel, though well-meaning, had caused a bit of an intergalactic incident. They didn't want to jail her, but they couldn't let her free either, so the solution was to have Porbxmel chaperone the pair at all times.
Because of the nature of Andarian physiology, at night they had to sleep in an ammonia-rich enviornmnent, highly toxic to humans - another reason why there were few humans to a ship. The Prosperity was designed to house exactly one, and so it would be quite cramped of a night, with Craig and Charlene in one room, and X'melborp between them, inhaling ammonia through a SCUBA-type contraption noisily between them.
"Human Craig" Porbxmel hissed quietly one evening, "I am so, so sorry."
"For what I hope is the last time, Porbxmel, I understand. You can stop apologizing now."
"From the available documentary resources on human reproduction, I thought the process would be a lot smoother."
"Available documentary resources?"
Porbxmel waved a fore-tentacle, which summoned up a holographic display. Suddenly the room was bathed in light, as a scene unfolded. A rather overmade-up young woman, poorly acting, answered a doorbell to find a ponytailed young man with most of his pecs spilling out of what was barely enough to be called a shirt. "I'm here to fix your washer and dryer", said the young man, "but I've got to go back to the depot to fetch another tool." "I think your tool is just fine", she cooed, and suddenly the room was filled with cheesy music as she went straight from "thanks for coming to repair my appliances" to "thanks for coming".
Craig winced. "Please turn that off."
Porbxmel simply switched to another one. In it a young woman was ordering lunch at a deli, and complaining about a hot dog being undercooked. "Well, I have something else you can eat instead", crowed the same young man, and you gather the rest.
Craig winced. "Not to a different one, Porbxmel. OFF."
Porbxmel paused it, causing the room to be illuminated by the logo of a pornographic clearing house web site.
Craig winced again. "No, completely off." And waved his own arm to kill the entire program.
Porbxmel continued: "No wonder there are so many of you, human Craig. But I am confused. Considering that human interaction between two genders on your planet results rapidly and without any ceremony in a very intriguing and acrobatic exchange of fluids, why was human Charlene not reacting the same way?"
Craig turned over and looked directly at Porbxmel. "I'm not going to conjecture on this. Especially not with her lying on the other side of you."
Porbxmel simply murmured. "Oh".
A few moments went by. The humans readjusted to the darkness.
"Is it because your penis is not as large as his?"
Craig sighed audibly.
"These are not documentaries, Porbxmel. They are designed for entertainment. And for these sorts of things they explicitly choose actors who are.... very over average in that regard."
"Well thank goodness, human Craig. I would be very very upset on your behalf if you were.... inadequate."
Charlene mumbled from the other side. "Oh, he's inadequate, all right."
Craig growled from his side of the room: "When are you leaving, again?"
Charlene retorted "Not too soon. Just what kind of weirdo stays up all hours of the night watching pornography with an alien species? There's something seriously wrong with you, and I'm reporting you to Earth Command the moment I get off this ship."
Porbxmel looked, concerned, at Charlene. "You are agitated, human Charlene. Angry even?"
"Guessed it in one."
Porbxmel smoothly slapped an opioid patch on her skin before she could react or complain. Charlene started with "You mother f...." and then lolled back, giggling.
Porbxmel turned back to Craig. "There, that should fix things."
Craig sat up in alarm. "No, please for the love of God, STOP DOING THAT."
Charlene started to giggle, her whole demeanor changing. "You know, Porbxmel, honestly.... I can't blame you for being completely confused. I've been going through your recordings with "Human Craig" here, and you've been misinformed on a lot of subjects."
Porbxmel turned, eager to take notes. "Oh, how so?"
Charlene continued, "Well, Porb, first of all, those interactions you were just watching? That sort of thing is far less pleasurable for the woman involved than the men. Oh, and that recording you did where Human Craig says that being shorter than average height, having fat deposits on the front of the abdomen and missing most of the hair on the top of your head is considered highly prized and attractive on our planet. Rest assured none of that is the case."
Craig winced. He'd been drunk at the time, and was being sarcastic and self-deprecating. It was an early conversation, well before he understood just how literally that species took his words. "You recorded that?"
Charlene said "Not only that, it's why the ambassador to Earth from Andaria looks like their version of Danny Devito."
Craig started to get up. "I'll take my chances with the ammonia."
Porbxmel bristled and held him down firmly but gently with one arm, pinning him with the potential force of half a ton. "I cannot let you do that, it will literally kill you."
Craig snorted. "So will another half an hour of this conversation."
Charlene giggled. "Where did you get these? They're AWESOME. Can I have some more?"
Porbxmel said "Most certainly" and went to fetch some from his pockets.
Craig jumped at this turn of events. "No, don't do that." and grabbed Porbxmel's arm.
Charlene pouted at him and blew a raspberry. "Spoilsport. Party pooper. Hey, Porbxmel, why are you so hot to trot to get me to sleep with this guy anyway?"
After a long pause, she suddenly broke into the strangest smile Craig had ever seen on her.
"Are you two lovers or something, and you need me by proxy? I'm flattered."
Craig had been idly wondering how this conversation could get worse.
"Well yes, human Charlene, I do.... love human Craig very, very much. I was sorry to have caused him any kind of injury or pain. That is hugely inappropriate where I come from and one must find a way to make suitable amends."
"That's so... awwwww...... you mean you two are partners, but you need a human interface to consummate your love? That's incredibly weird, and incredibly fucked up - but also incredibly, and so wonderfully touching. It's DEFINITELY the drugs talking, but what the hell. If it stops you two being weird for the rest of my stay here.... I'll lose my gold star for this short balding dude. It's actually kind of touching come to think of it, Porbxmel."
"No, Charlene, no. This is NOT happening. AND PUT THAT DAMN CAMERA AWAY, Porbxmel."
Porbxmel looked confused. "Why? After many, many, many, many, many, many, many hours of negotiation and attempts to have her allow you to spill fluids onto her face and back, she is finally consenting to this. Please! Both of you take your happiness!"
"Because it's a crime, Porbxmel. She's under the influence of powerful opioids and is literally not thinking correctly. It wouldn't just be a criminal act resulting in my incarceration for decades and yours, it's also an incredibly horrible thing to do to someone. Anyone. She does not want this, and never has. Her brain is confused because of the chemicals you gave her. Legally, morally and in every way, doing what you propose would be the same as me violently hurting her. Can we just go to sleep?"
Charlene stopped, looked over Porbxmel's bulk at Craig, and said: "Wow. That's.... thank you. I'm sorry. I'm. I'll just......" and crashed out into a fitful sleep.
Porbxmel was about to start, but Craig had finally hit his limit. "Alright, I'm putting an end to this conversation. And I'm putting an end to this conversation for good. Porbxmel, do you really want to see what creating another human being actually looks like?"
Porbxmel brightened. "Yes!" and reached for his camera.
Craig waved his arm, and called up the holographic system. Porbxmel had not known how to search for it, but Craig did. And soon the cabin was bathed in light and a scene. But instead of a movie set and blue eyeshadow it was a woman, in a hospital gown but naked from the waist down, greasy haired, sweating, crying. Clearly in the throes of late labor, in a birthing unit surrounded by medical staff.
Porbxmel started keening slightly. "Human Craig, please stop this. We must help her. She is in distress."
Craig agreed. "Yes, she is in great pain. Incredible pain, Porbxmel. There's an orifice inside of her that you can't see that's normally the size of a pin hole, and when stretched even a millimeter or two causes great and debilitating pain. It's been widened this far. " He held his hands out the same width as a human baby's head. "She is in agony."
Porbxmel's keening got louder, and he was shaking with the extreme emotion he was prey to.
"But keep watching. Pay careful attention to the orifice between her legs."
As this really was a BBC medical documentary, they didn't blur the crowning and the vulva, torn and bleeding, various odd colored bloody fluids flowing painfully out of her. Suddenly the head popped out with a gush of blood, and the child, covered in chunky bits of humanity and blood, was taken away, itself crying and screaming.
Craig had never seen Porbxmel so distressed, but he was beyond caring.
"Hey, Porbxmel, pay careful attention here, they're about to stitch up the wounds to her reproductive canal. They're going to repair the tearing if you watch."
Porbxmel was beyond pink at this point.
"Oh, I forgot to mention not only does this hurt, and hurt an incredible amount, but historically and in many parts of my planet today, these injuries can and do KILL the women who undergo this ordeal. Through tearing, blood loss, pain - they DIE."
Porbxmel had been holding on to consciousness by sheer horrified force of will. But this was too much, and with a "what is WRONG with your gender that you would DO THAT to the females of your species???? YOU MONSTER!!!!!!!" he passed out.
With Charlene in an opioid sleep haze, and Porbxmel passed out for what Craig knew from experience would be hours, he was finally able to settle down to a fitful sleep, interrupted only by the rhythmic hissing of the ammonia unit taking up much of the cabin.