Today I slept in, read for a while in bed, ate breakfast, and took my oldest to yoga where I met up with a friend. My youngest was still lazing around when I left so I was surprised when the door chimed and it was her. Yoga makes me feel better and at $5 a session the price is definitely right. We had a larger class this morning. Some of the older women felt like there wasn't enough room, but I knew we could easily fit several more in there. Like the instructor said, we need to get rid of our Western bubbles and learn how to become comfortable with people sweating on a mat in closer proximity to each other. I've said this before, but the best thing about writing is giving my characters problems from my own so I can solve them in fiction.
So far I've created a younger woman/older man dynamic to address my attraction to the guy from Verizon. I created tension between two parents who are married to other people and keep talking past each other on key issues to mirror the relationship I have with my ex. I have a guy who is attracted to a woman who broke up with him, he started going out with her best friend that he used to have a crush on, she's going out with him for reasons of her own that are unsavory. I have brother vs brother, parent vs child, woman vs woman, and employer vs employee conflicts. Really the entire book is this person vs that and I'm finding that it's a good way for me to escape from my own life while grappling with these fictitious people and their struggles.
My oldest wants to go skating with her friends so she's getting some cleaning done around the house. I can't wait for my friend to come over on Monday morning. I'm going to buy a few groceries, divvy up my paycheck into each of my accounts and start saving up for the things that I want. The Verizon guy has got me hooked, I want to let him go, but I must be getting something out of hanging on to something that isn't really there. Last night I got an email from the store where he works. There are other locations closer to me, I chose that store because it was close to where I worked. None of my other emails have come from that location, they've all come from Verizon. Obviously I'm on some sort of mailing list, I just thought that was interesting since Verizon sent me an email saying they know I'm no longer a customer.
Anyways, moving on and moving forward with my life. Today is bright and sunny. I'm going to stop taking everything so seriously and get out and enjoy myself. Who knows, I may even spend a little money and treat myself to something I've wanted for a while. Life is full of choices and decisions. Connecting with friends helps. I sent a text to my sister and she sent one back. Another small step forward. I learned to let go of my baseball scout. I still like him. I respect him, I admire him, I think he's fun to be with and I love that we have the chemistry we do, but I'm no longer in love with him which makes me both happy and a little sad. The married guy sent me a text last night. I have to find a way to tell him I'm never going to cross that line. He's going to have to get through without me. I did it, he can too. Hard, but doable.
Until next time,
P.S. I wrote another poem to the Verizon guy. I didn't even really think about it, the words just came to me. I felt a bit better after that. Who knows, maybe poetry is going to become my new thing. I have a character who pens poems, wouldn't that be fun for me?
Here is the poem, feel free to give me feedback if that's your deal:
- You were too quiet, sitting there while my phone number changed
- Later on you were as still as the black blank face of your watch
- The pale of your face intrigued me
- I didn't know what color your eyes were until I saw the red
- I want to apologize again, but I won't
- I need forgiveness, a clean slate, a fresh start
- The right thing to do is to leave you alone
- The time is always right to do the hard thing
- We must find ways to do what we think we can't
- So this is goodbye
- You're gone
- But I haven't forgotten you
- P.S. You made me feel safe
- I'm sorry I hemmed you in at work
- I was angry with you, I still am
- Sending out signals to toy with others is cruel
- So long beautiful,
- We're a lot alike in some ways, come get me, no wait, fuck off
- The difference is
- I'm committed
- To change.
- Did you send that email? I wonder...