Day twelve: No dreams last night that I can remember. My youngest
slept in my bed since my husband is out of town. The girls and I had
eggs, waffles, and tea for breakfast. There were only two eggs so my
oldest told me I could run to the store to pick some up today. I had
been thinking the same thing, but I asked if she had money for that
since we had already spent our allotted grocery money. Her face fell
when she said no, and I'll probably still get eggs, but I want her to
start making the connection between money we have budgeted for
resources, and things we have or don't have. There's plenty of food,
we'll just have to decide that we're going to eat what we have instead
of going out and buying more.
Last night I listened to a talk on how irrationally people behave
when money is involved. I think the talk was particularly interesting
since I worked in finance, and because this person is a friend of mine.
Most days I go to bed feeling as if I haven't gotten anything done. This
is a feeling, but it doesn't always have a lot of supporting facts
riding along with it. When I write, I research a variety of things. In
the past I wouldn't have counted that as learning. Now my perspective
has changed because that is studying something new, and while it may not
have a lot of practical application unless I am suddenly confronted
with international jewel theives who producing counterfeit baseball
memorabilia on the side, it's challenging my brain.
Another perception I have is that I'm not very disciplined. This is
also not true to the extent that I write almost every day, and have long
unbroken streaks where I've either journaled, written fiction, or done
both. I'm not a very concrete thinker. That gives me trouble in the real
world, but it's ideally suited to writing where I can look back on a
volume of posts here, and know that these words represent a very small
fraction of what I've written since I started back in 2006. Overall the
girls and I had a good morning. Lately my youngest and I have been
getting along better. This morning she asked if I would help her pack a
lunch. She wanted red peppers, grapes, a clementine, and half of a peanut butter sandwich.
It didn't look like enough food to me, but she assured me that it
was. She's been kissing me more often. Last night she had her hair up in
a ponytail, and I want to always remember the silky smooth texture and
her fine porcelain skin. We had to wait for her older sister to get
ready. Their room has clothes on the floor, but we're going to give the
girls their own rooms, and it won't be a magic fix, but I think it will
go a long way towards easing some of the current tensions. I want my
youngest to get back into gymnastics. That's good for her. My oldest
will find something and own it. I believe this because we keep exposing
her to a variety of interests, and she's still very young so she has a
lot of time to figure out what she loves.
Yesterday I wrote about music and how it affects mood. I've been
listening to a lot of piano music recently. If you have a chance, I
would like to give Racing Against the Sunset by Philip Wesley a
listen. When I write, I frequently put songs on repeat to preserve a
mood since almost everything I write is mood based, and I don't want to
lose those fleeting moments of inspiration that carry me through the sea
of intrigue. People tell me that I have certain qualities or
characteristics, and I believe that I do because of the interactions I
have with other people, but at some level this is a superficial layer of
me, and not the real me. I haven't written a short story in a while.
Sometimes I feel bad about that not because I owe others anything, but
because I have a network of fiction inside of me clawing and screaming
because it feels trapped.
Always visions of how things could be travel with me. Today I woke up
bitter because my step-daughter is going to be living in the condo that
I wanted. The bamboo flooring and black and white patio tiles will be
hers, and that makes me sad. I'm mourning that clean unbroken slate
where I could wake up when I wanted, write, and look out over the water,
however it really isn't fair to my husband to make him pay for my
upkeep and if I want a place like that, then I need to earn it. I need
to put the past behind me, and figure out a way to be self-supporting. I
know my business can go somewhere. I just have to keep doing what I've
been doing, and not let self-doubt be the reason I remained penniless
while a wealth of ideas flourished inside of my head.
Lots to think about today.
Take care beautiful,
P.S. I started cleaning off my desk.