Perhaps I'm lonely.

I miss him a lot. I'm not sure what he wants. Unrequited love kinda sucks.

I want to sit down with him and get to know him. I already know a lot about his last 4 years, but...I want to be closer. I want to share more of my life with him. I want to go snowboarding, or camping, or even just fly out for a weekend to have lunch. I've admitted my feelings for him to myself and my closest friends, but what do I do now?

He is the first and last thing I think about every day since I came home.

Day eleven: Dreamt that my cousin was kidnapped. We thought she was dead, but when we found her, she had a spiral cut around the arm that we could see.

Objects: My cousin, spiral cut, arm.

I ate too much yesterday. I've noticed that my bad dreams almost always correspond with my poor food choices. My cousin is really me in the dream, and it feels as if my life and freedom are being taken away from me. In real life my husband, sister, and I talked about giving the condo we bought for me to my step daughter, and I think the dream is my way of grieving for something that could have been. I love the flooring in there, and I wanted that place for myself. It hurts, but in the end, a deep cut is survivable.

We went to the Audubon Inn Saturday night. It was really nice and very pretty. I'd like to go back again sometime. This morning my chiropractor told me that I do know what I want. So I told him that I want to live in a hut on the beach without any running water. He asked if I wanted to get back to my roots. I think I just want sand beneath my toes, sunshine kissing my face, and soothing ocean sounds. I'm on the right track, and that's what I want to remember.

A friend of mine sent me an email describing how the team he worked for chose cleats. He said he didn't know why players weren't being measured. I'm happy with the way I handled that exchange. Normally I would have written a bunch, this time I kept it very short, just two or three sentences, and I liked that approach because now I don't feel as if I'm straining because I have to prove myself to him.

I had an idea about Kevlar in cleats. Nike has done this for basketball shoes and a football boot, but I haven't seen evidence of it used in baseball cleats, and I'm wondering if this makes sense at the pro level where players can afford that type of material. Another Twitter friend and I were talking about commercials. It's fascinating to find out how many different types of people there are, all with very different interests.

To get back to the Borderline Personality problem, someone suggested that I look into other mood disorders. I don't want to, but I probably will because I want my character to be a complete person, and I understand that if a professional says this is how it works in real life, fiction must follow that or risk being ill researched. The girls had a good time at my sister's place. This morning Jill gave me a hug which was wonderful.

We did a short writing exercise in my class last night. It turned out that the problem was more me than other people which I knew all along so that was illuminating, but also a bit depressing. I read some poetry that I really liked. Life is strange. So many moments where people's lives intersect for brief moments, and then nothing.

Take care,


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