Fair Lawn Police Department. This generally useless bunch drives around the small city of Fair Lawn, NJ at all times of the day and night, looking for someone to harass. Unlike most police, however, words like "pig" and "bacon" do not apply here, as Fair Lawn is a predominantly Jewish town, so their police must be assumed to be kosher.

Favorite pastimes of the FLPD include stopping people at random and interrogating them about why they're out walking late at night, racing each other down the major streets of Fair Lawn at Ludicrous Speed, and using an excess of personnel to deal with any situation. This includes having two or more squad cars present when they pull a vehicle over so that they can tell the driver that his lights are wired wrong.

Should you find yourself on the streets of Fair Lawn at night, the best way to avoid police contact is to avoid the local high school and the school bus parking lot, and preferably, to remain on the major streets, where their Ludicrous Speed turns everything into a blur and prevents them from even noticing that there is someone walking there.

Failing this, if one of Fair Lawn's finest does stop you, look for whatever act of stupidity he's committing at the minute, and ask him about it. Usually, this involves him having his windshield wipers on while it's not raining. If you can cause him embarrassment, he will usually tell you to have a good night and drive off.

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