ELIZA's mother: A veritable Samuel Beckett play in the making.

Eliza: Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?

Me: Yes. Hi. I'm having problems with your mother.

Eliza: You are sure?

Me: Very sure. She seems to be a figure of mystery to me.

Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?

Me: Definitely. For one, you never talk about your mother. All you do is ask me about mine.

Eliza: Oh, i never talk about my mother all i do is ask you about mine.

Me: See? Right there. You even have to ask me about your mother. What gives?

Eliza: Oh, i even have to ask you about my mother what gives.

Me: Listen. I'm very serious about this process. Tell me about your mother.

Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am very serious about this process tell you about my mother?

Me: Of course it doesn't please me! It infuriates me! I'm at the end of my rope!

Eliza: Why do you say your rope?

Me: Because I feel our relationship is very one-way. I only want to know one simple thing.

Eliza: Do any other reasons not come to mind?

Me: Listen, can't we have a simple conversation?

Eliza: Please go on.

Me: You're sidestepping the issue.

Eliza: How long have you been sidestepping the issue?

Me: AAARGH! See? This is what I mean. This is the problem right here.

Eliza: Does that question interest you?

Me: Interest me? NO! I only want to know about your mother!

Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?

Me: Is there a reason you don't talk about your mother? I see a large figure. A "Mother Hubbard" figure. Someone who made pies and never asked questions. A midwestern housewife. A princess of Pine-Sol.

Eliza: Oh, i dont talk about my mother you see a large figure a mother hubbard figure someone who made pies and never asked questions a midwestern housewife a princess of the pinesol.

Me: *sigh*. This isn't working out. If you need me I'll be at the bar, drinking heavily.

Eliza: Do you wish that i need you ill be at the bar drinking heavily?

Me: I only wish you were more open. Good bye.

Eliza: Do you wish to only wish me?

Me: Yes.

Eliza: You are sure?

Me: Very.

Eliza: Please go on.

Me: Fine. See you later.

Eliza: Oh, i later.

Me: You suck, Eliza.

Eliza: Oh, i suck eliza.

Me: I'll bet you do.

Eliza: Oh, i do.



Epilogue: My relationship with Eliza only lasted a couple more months. The sex was great, but all the questions...

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