ELIZA's mother: A veritable Samuel Beckett play in the making.
Eliza: Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?
Me: Yes. Hi. I'm having problems with your mother.
Eliza: You are sure?
Me: Very sure. She seems to be a figure of mystery to me.
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
Me: Definitely. For one, you never talk about your mother. All you do is ask me about mine.
Eliza: Oh, i never talk about my mother all i do is ask you about mine.
Me: See? Right there. You even have to ask me about your mother. What gives?
Eliza: Oh, i even have to ask you about my mother what gives.
Me: Listen. I'm very serious about this process. Tell me about your mother.
Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am very serious about this process tell you about my mother?
Me: Of course it doesn't please me! It infuriates me! I'm at the end of my rope!
Eliza: Why do you say your rope?
Me: Because I feel our relationship is very one-way. I only want to know one simple thing.
Eliza: Do any other reasons not come to mind?
Me: Listen, can't we have a simple conversation?
Eliza: Please go on.
Me: You're sidestepping the issue.
Eliza: How long have you been sidestepping the issue?
Me: AAARGH! See? This is what I mean. This is the problem right here.
Eliza: Does that question interest you?
Me: Interest me? NO! I only want to know about your mother!
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
Me: Is there a reason you don't talk about your mother? I see a large figure. A "Mother Hubbard" figure. Someone who made pies and never asked questions. A midwestern housewife. A princess of Pine-Sol.
Eliza: Oh, i dont talk about my mother you see a large figure a mother hubbard figure someone who made pies and never asked questions a midwestern housewife a princess of the pinesol.
Me: *sigh*. This isn't working out. If you need me I'll be at the bar, drinking heavily.
Eliza: Do you wish that i need you ill be at the bar drinking heavily?
Me: I only wish you were more open. Good bye.
Eliza: Do you wish to only wish me?
Me: Yes.
Eliza: You are sure?
Me: Very.
Eliza: Please go on.
Me: Fine. See you later.
Eliza: Oh, i later.
Me: You suck, Eliza.
Eliza: Oh, i suck eliza.
Me: I'll bet you do.
Eliza: Oh, i do.
LIGHTS DIM
CURTAIN
Epilogue: My relationship with Eliza only lasted a couple more months. The
sex was great, but all the questions...