Five years ago on halloween, I was 11 years old, and like most children, I was trick-or-treating. After about an hour, we were being followed by a gang of kids dressed up like people from the rock band KISS. They ended up knocking us on the ground, and taking about half of our candy and left us lying there in the dust. I then swore to avenge myself by training myself in the art of Candjitsu, an ancient martial art using common halloween candy in self defense. I sought learning from many Candjitsu masters, and I was trained in the art. Here I will teach the basic principles of Candjitsu.

Cornballs - These are very nice bludgeoning projectiles that can disable an opponent if thrown at a high enough velocity and thrown properly. Hold the ball as you would a baseball (make sure it is out of the wrapper, adding to the painful texture of the corn), and make sure to throw it at an area revealing skin, preferably the face. If they are wearing a mask, make sure to aim for somewhere more vulnerable, like the groin. This weapon's strongest attribute is the rough texture. This is an expendible weapon, considering nobody eats them anyway.

Pencils - Don't you hate those old ladies who hand out school supplies, like pencils? Well now there is a good use for them. Pencils can be used as a throwing weapon or as a melee weapon (usually only a last resort). If you also happen to be lucky enough to have a pencil sharpener handed out by old people, use it to sharpen the pencil and make the weapon more effective. This can be intimidating as well as deadly. It looks like we do have a reason to like old people, after all.

M&Ms - These are formidable weapons, if used effectively. They can be used either as a single projectile, or as buck shots. To use them as a single projectile, throw the unopened bag at them, as you would a cornball. They can be excellent spread shots if you decide to open the bag and throw a handful of M&Ms at their upper-chest area. If you have a bag of peanut M&Ms handy, use those instead, as they are heavier and larger, and nobody likes them. But I must emphasize thifs: Do not use Skittles, unless you have no choice. Skittles are much more precious than M&Ms, so use them wisely. If you decide to use Skittles as a weapon, make sure to throw the entire package, rather than a handful of individual Skittles, so you can later retrieve the bag of delicious artificial flavouring.

Generic Chocolates - You know those generic chocolates that people hand out that are often in the shape of a frankenstein or a pumpkin, wrapped in foil with a picture on it of that which the shape of the chocolate represents? These make very nice weapons. They can be used in two forms. They can be used as either projectiles, or as melee weapons. If you have the candy in a warm place for a while, like in your pocket, it should become somewhat melted. It is recommended that you partially unwrap it, so that you can still grasp the foil, with the chocolate exposed on the opposite side, so that when you smash it into their face, and rub chocolate everywhere, you remain clean.

Powdered Candy - Powdered candy, like Pixie Sticks or Fundip, can prove useful. The Pixie Sticks are good to use because they are nice and simple. To use this weapon, simply tear open the container, and let it pour into your hand. The next step is simple: Throw it in their eyes. If you have Fundip, the dipping stick that comes with it can prove useful in the midst of combat. You can either use it to distract the opponent, leaving them open for a toss of flavoured sugar in their face, or if the opponent is already open, blind them first, and while they are screaming in pain, rubbing at their eyes and such, cheapshot them with the stick, or if you are feeling brave, just punch him square in the temple, jaw, nose, solar plexus, or groin. Your choice!

Candy Corn - See M&Ms

The Candy Bag - The candy bag itself can come quite in handy, and can be used in many fashions. It is recommended that you use a pillow case for this, rather than a plastic bag or one of those annoying pumpkins made of hard plastic. The pillow case has many advantages. First of all, it is quiet, allowing for a sneak attack, and second, it is made of stronger material, so it doesn't break if pulled or stomped on. Candy bags can be used as melee weapons or as a throwing weapon. In melee, it is preferred to strike from behind, delivering a crushing blow to the back of the skull, if you have a heavier bag, filled with more candy. If your bag is not filled with much candy, or any at all, it could be used to put over the opponent's head, to relieve him of his sight. It would be best to keep this held over his head while your allies pelt him with cornballs and M&Ms. If you have a heavy candy bag, and you want to use it as a throwing weapon, you can use its own weight to achieve maximum velocity by swinging it above your head and releasing it at the opponent.

Many candies in addition to this can be used as either projectiles or melee weapons. Although choose wisely, as you do not want to waste any of the more precious candies (Skittles, Starburst, etc). Also, use morals. Try to immobilize or distract the opponent, rather than injure. You are responsible for your own actions. Use this knowledge at your own risk. I would like to thank Sensei Epitang for his contribution to my training in the art of Candjitsu.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.