Thanksgiving Day as the family gathered together, preparing for the yearly feast he was out getting drunk with his buddies. We shook our heads and sighed. He'd never been what most people would consider a good man. He used too many drugs, was hiding from several law agencies for various legal offences from over the years, he never had much of a work ethic, and would probably rob you blind if he thought for one second his drugs or booze was more important then being on your good side. So none of us was very surprised when he drunk himself into such a stupor he was passed out before 1 p.m. His wife was upset about his drinking, which had gotten much worse lately. (for a lifetime druggie and heavy drinker that's saying a lot) When he did finally show up on Thanksgiving he was already plastered. My husband went out to try and talk to his brother, see if he could convince him to at least come in to say hello to the rest of us.

"Shhh don't tell anyone, but I'm being a dickhead." he told my husband. Which of course my husband shared with us all. We laughed, agreed and just shrugged our shoulders. Thinking it a shame, though not overly surprised by his condition or his candid remark about himself. That was just how it always had been with him. We were used to his ways, we didn't expect too much out of him, as he wasn't very reliable or trustworthy. We all accepted him just as he was, and hoped that maybe someday he'd straighten out his life somewhat. That will never happen though, it's too late for him. He blew his brains out with a 9 mm last night.

I know I'm going to miss him. I know I'm going to be terribly sad, not just for the loss of him but for his wife, for his parents, for my husband and for my children who adored him unseeing of his flaws. I'm going to be angry that he didn't give himself or any of a chance to help him, that he left us with no real answers only our speculations of his reasons. His life had never been an easy one, much of that was by his own choosing. His marriage had been falling apart for years and his recent drunken binge was only making matters worse. He'd been through, done and seen more of the darker side of life then most of us can even imagine. Still I never thought even once that his life would end this way. I guess I always expected his drinking to get the best of him in some horrible accident or simply through a slow death suicide of his liver shutting down. Not like this, though never like this.

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