These questions aren't just for citizens of the U.S.A. - foreigners should feel free to participate as well! Simply answer the following questions "Yes" or "No" and then refer to the handy guide below to determine your status.

  1. Do you believe that those who hate your nation and wish to see it destroyed feel that way because of their blind, unwavering hatred for freedom and liberty?
  2. Do you believe that questioning the motives of your leaders or criticizing their actions is actually just about the next best thing to treason at a time like this?
  3. Do you believe that the First Amendment goes too far in hampering those who are trying to protect you from very real threats to your freedom and democracy?
  4. Are you thoroughly convinced that God is on your side, and will ensure the success of whatever your nation has to do to defend its existence and way of life?
  5. Are you comfortably on the side of good? Do you believe that anything that happens to the evil is justified, since they had it coming?
  6. Are you happy to let others define those terms for you?
  7. Do you believe that the only viable guarantee of peace is the threat of destruction?


Citizens of the U.S.A.: if you answered "Yes" to all of the questions above, then congratulations! You are a Real American! If you answered "No" to any of these questions, though, you are not a real American. You are a disgrace, and quite possibly evil. Officials from the Ministry of Love are on their way to your place of residence now to discuss your re-education options.

Citizens of other countries: if you answered "Yes" to all of the questions above, then you are a fanatic. The bombers are already on their way. Prepare to die.

The answer to the question and the point of this whole thing is that of course you are a "real" American (if you're an American at all, that is) whether or not you buy into the beliefs below. That's one of the very best things about this country (yes, I'm a U.S. citizen) or, at least, it's supposed to be. Instead, it seems to me that we're progressing towards something ugly, blind, and intolerant. I'm mocking that here because I think it's frightening. We've been down that road before, and lived to regret it; maybe if we look ahead this time and see how ridiculous it is beforehand, we can save everybody some pain. And if I'm overreacting or just plain wrong - it's supposed to be funny, if nothing else.

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