Just about everyone you see at the ice skating rink fits into one of the following archetypal categories. I’ve included various statistics and some spotting tips.

1. The Tiny Aspiring Figure Skater Girl:
Age: 6-9.
Sex: Female.
Height: 3’6”-4’10”.
Weight: 40-65 lbs.
Quantity per rink: 2-5.
Reasons to like her: N/A.
Reasons to hate her: She manages to get in your way every few seconds, despite the fact that you’re going faster than her.
How to spot her: She’s always either gliding or falling.

2. The Couple that Can’t Skate:
Age: 30-45.
Sex: One of each.
Height : Varies.
Weight: Varies.
Quantity per rink: 1-2.
Reasons to like them : N/A.
Reasons to hate them: Their giggling hurts your ears.
How to spot them: They’re clinging to the side, or trying to pick each other up off the ice.

3. The Hot Girl You Can’t Tear Your Eyes Away From:
Age: 17-21.
Sex: Female.
Height: 5’6”-5’11”.
Weight: 110-140 lbs.
Quantity per rink: 1, plus a slightly less attractive friend.
Reasons to like her : She’s fun to look at.
Reasons to hate her: You run into things while looking at her.
How to spot her: She’s wearing tight and/or transparent clothes, and is very loud, for some reason. She’s generally a poor skater.

4. The Hot Girl You Can’t Tear Your Eyes Away From’s Boyfriend:
Age: 16-25.
Sex: Male.
Height: 5’8”-6’5”.
Weight: 140-220 lbs.
Quantity per rink: 1.
Reasons to like him: He brought her there.
Reasons to hate him: He’s taking her home, too.
How to spot him: His girlfriend’s always leaning on him, and she’s hard to miss.

5. The Hockey Dad:
Age: 27-35.
Sex: Male.
Height: Varies.
Weight: 170-210 lbs.
Quantity per rink: 1-3.
Reasons to like him: He keeps a leash on his obnoxious son.
Reasons to hate him: He keeps calling his son “Skipper” or “Ace”, or something like that.
How to spot him: He’s wearing his high school/college hockey jersey—unless his son is wearing it, in which case he’s wearing a Maple Leafs sweatshirt.

6. The Hockey Dad’s Son:
Age: 3-6.
Sex: Male.
Height: 3’0”-4’0”.
Weight: Zero, or less.
Quantity per rink: One per Hockey Dad.
Reasons to like him: He’s adorable.
Reasons to hate him: He always cuts you off and then promptly falls. You trip over him, whereupon his dad goes ballistic on you, simply because he’s tiny and you’re not.
How to spot him: He’s wearing his dad’s old helmet, and can’t see a thing in it.
Note: This kid may go with some of his friends instead of with his dad. In this case, everything is the same except that he carries a hockey stick as well, which always goes flying into your way when he falls.

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