Just about everyone you see at the ice skating rink
fits into one of the following archetypal categories
. I’ve included various statistics and some spotting
1. The Tiny Aspiring Figure Skater Girl:
Weight: 40-65 lbs.
Quantity per rink: 2-5.
Reasons to like her: N/A.
Reasons to hate her: She manages to get in your way every few seconds, despite the fact that you’re going faster than her.
How to spot her: She’s always either gliding or falling.
2. The Couple that Can’t Skate:
Sex: One of each.
Height : Varies.
Quantity per rink: 1-2.
Reasons to like them : N/A.
Reasons to hate them: Their giggling hurts your ears.
How to spot them: They’re clinging to the side, or trying to pick each other up off the ice.
3. The Hot Girl You Can’t Tear Your Eyes Away From:
Weight: 110-140 lbs.
Quantity per rink: 1, plus a slightly less attractive friend.
Reasons to like her : She’s fun to look at.
Reasons to hate her: You run into things while looking at her.
How to spot her: She’s wearing tight and/or transparent clothes, and is very loud, for some reason. She’s generally a poor skater.
4. The Hot Girl You Can’t Tear Your Eyes Away From’s Boyfriend:
Weight: 140-220 lbs.
Quantity per rink: 1.
Reasons to like him: He brought her there.
Reasons to hate him: He’s taking her home, too.
How to spot him: His girlfriend’s always leaning on him, and she’s hard to miss.
5. The Hockey Dad:
Weight: 170-210 lbs.
Quantity per rink: 1-3.
Reasons to like him: He keeps a leash on his obnoxious son.
Reasons to hate him: He keeps calling his son “Skipper” or “Ace”, or something like that.
How to spot him: He’s wearing his high school/college hockey jersey—unless his son is wearing it, in which case he’s wearing a Maple Leafs sweatshirt.
6. The Hockey Dad’s Son:
Weight: Zero, or less.
Quantity per rink: One per Hockey Dad.
Reasons to like him: He’s adorable.
Reasons to hate him: He always cuts you off and then promptly falls. You trip over him, whereupon his dad goes ballistic on you, simply because he’s tiny and you’re not.
How to spot him: He’s wearing his dad’s old helmet, and can’t see a thing in it.
Note: This kid may go with some of his friends instead of with his dad. In this case, everything is the same except that he carries a hockey stick as well, which always goes flying into your way when he falls.