I can't talk about the past few days.
And that's a problem.
What we have gained is a very renewed love, and also - new friends. She met some people who've had some serious issues - but they bonded, as one does in a situation when under fire and dealing with issues together. Some of my church friends will be scandalized, and my West Coast rich Bay Area folks might not comprehend - but Jesus preferred the company of people who were broken and knew they weren't okay - versus those who were so sure of their own perfection.
That might sound PREACHY, and it really isn't. I always read the Bible differently to others - wherever people wrote "sin" I'd read "brokenness". When Jesus says we're all sinners, what he's really getting at is we're all BROKEN. He didn't condemn anyone (as a person - he condemned an office, or a creed, or an action) but instead chose to listen, to affirm peoples' humanity, and to heal.
I'm including myself in that. I was the product of a happy childhood, grew up in a relatively affluent area - middle class. I had great jobs with affirming people and made an okay living, fantastic relationships with people, and so forth. But I've been devastated, far more than I should be. There's something to my response that has scared everyone who knows me.
You aren't released from the kind of place I've had to deal with (peripherally) until there's a treatment plan and solid, SOLID evidence that you're not going to be a danger to anyone. I'm going to ask for help today as well. I don't even know why. I don't know what I'd say to someone. But this experience has triggered SOMETHING SOMEWHERE that goes far and beyond the experiences of last week.
Crying almost nonstop didn't scare me. Not crying scared me - because I was too flat, too tired, too completely exhausted in every way to do so.
The Old Testament has this, in Psalm 22:14-22:15.
"I am poured out like water, And all my bones are out of joint; My heart is like wax; It is melted within me. 15My strength is dried up like a potsherd, And my tongue cleaves to my jaws; And You lay me in the dust of death".
"Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.""
You can argue that both, contextually - are about being threatened by war or by crucifixion, but the point is - it is possible to reach a point where your heart is just keeping time, and your breathing is just reflex.
Don't get me wrong. I love Episcopalian/Anglican theology. I love the rituals, and the liturgies. And there are some very lovely and kind people doing wonderful things with it. But I've always felt a bit weird with my mission call - I'm not like the third generation priest from a good family who attended Yale seminary.
And I've never felt that church, or Christianity in general - was a costume drama including passing the hat around for donations. It's a very personal, very intimate relationship amongst people and with people and their higher power.
I can't tell someone else to accept help if I won't accept it myself.
I'm going to talk to some people today.