April 28, 1997

3:06am. Awake and restless. Not exactly restless, I just feel like I should be doing something. Gotta keep busy so I don't think too much. Thinking just leads to frustration, depression, anger, helplessness. Rarely anything good. I'm doing the things that should make me happy. I'm going back to high school, I haven't been slacking off, been getting things done. Then why do I feel so miserable? Probably some subconscious way of trying to reach out. Trying to fill that gap.. that emptiness.

I imagine someone touching my face. I close my eyes tightly and take in a deep breath. Or I look up at the sky. Why is that? People look up at the sky often when in blissful or sorrowful thoughts. As if speaking to some unnnamed god that I don't believe in. Or knowing others are looking at the sam sky and feeling comfort in knowing you're not alone in your loneliness. Whatever that may mean. Or even just realizing how small you and your life is compared to the vastness. Maybe all of the above.

At least I feel again. I'm more honest with myself these days. I'm not hiding as much, I'm not so afraid anymore. Scared of different things, anyway. Like whether or not I'll have the strength to pull this off. I know I'm a strong person when it comes down to it. It's hard when you have little support.

My shoulders aren't so heavy anymore.

I'm impatient. I want him to touch my face now.

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