I haven't taken my meds since Sunday. I said this before, but now that I'm feeling better I can't believe I kept taking those meds and allowing myself to feel the way that I did when I was on them. Nothing and nobody is going to convince me to go back to them so I have I'm going to get some alternatives tomorrow. I'd love to be med free, I'll ask about it, but I'm pretty sure I know what the answer is going to be. The thing is I'm still having problems with depression and mania, I probably would be worse without the medication, but how much worse and can I live with it or do more behavioral therapy or yoga? Are there answers for me other than drugs?
On the romance side of things the guy I like told me he got 90 minutes of sleep last night. I couldn't imagine functioning on that little sleep, especially not given the amount of work he'll have to do today. He sent me a message from a plane on his way down to Dallas. From there he'll go to Houston, Seattle, and I think there's another stop in there...
I got into a car accident on my way to see my Physician's Assistant this morning. Both the vehicle that hit me and my car are total losses. I was upset when I was sitting at the hospital, and then I found out that my ex never paid to renew my car insurance back in January. When I think about the fact that I walked away from an accident where I could have hit a tree, a trailer, a truck, and a fire hydrant when my car spun out of control, I'm fortunate to be alive and typing this. I sprained quite a few things, but I'm okay. Not having auto insurance cost me thousands of dollars, but it isn't going to do me any good to get mad at him for this.
I've got a lot of thoughts and feelings whirling through my mind right now. I've wanted to be car free for a while, here's my chance. Life will be more difficult starting immediately. I sprained my left ankle in the same spot where I broke it so I'm feeling that. I feel naive, stupid, grateful, betrayed, and trapped. I want to scream and cry at the injustice of it, my car was my baby, it represented freedom and my individuality, but it also held me back by costing me money I didn't have when it needed to be repaired.
The guy I'm seeing doesn't own a vehicle of his own. He's almost never home so he shares a Honda Civic with his two daughters. Tuesday afternoon I interviewed a guy who lost his dream of playing baseball when he blew out his shoulder. He didn't listen to his doctors and rushed his return because he knew he was going to be drafted. When I asked him if he could go back and take that moment back, he said he wouldn't. That decision changed his future. He went to a different school, met a lot of really cool and supportive friends, and is now with his beautiful girlfriend that he loves.
I miss my car, but it was just a car. I'm much more valuable than a hunk of what is now scrap metal that I'm trying to sell to the salvage yard. I don't have money to replace my car and I don't want to go into debt to get a different vehicle. I have to think. I have to be resourceful and creative. I have to stop worrying and count my blessings. I'm relatively uninjured, nobody else was hurt or killed. I learned a very valuable lesson about trusting others to pay bills. I learned that I have family who cares and friends that love me, and a significant other who isn't upset that I'm hysterical. My children are well and school is almost out. This is the time of year when walking and riding a bike are more palatable than when the snow is blowing across the lake. I'm strong, God is with me, I'm going to do more than survive, I'm going to win. I have no idea how I'm going to go about winning, or what exactly winning looks like to me, but for the first time in a while I feel like writing fiction and that makes me happy. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to keep reading my self help books and going to the library. I'm going to keep interviewing people on Twitter, I'm going to lose some weight now that I have to move me around, and I'm going to be thankful for the opportunities that have been put in my life that happen to be disguised as current obstacles.