Took two of my sleep meds before going to bed, woke up feeling slightly hungover, but also feeling like I got a pretty decent night's sleep. It seems as if I have to make a decision about whether I want to bounce out of bed after a fairly inadequate night of sleep or rely on the medication to keep me asleep which gives me the feeling I had today. I'm going to keep playing around with this, in the past I took two melatonin and my anxiety medication, that worked really well, but I'm reluctant to keep popping meds for anxiety which I believe is at the heart of most of my issues. I have a fear of future events that I'm working on figuring out so I'm more reliant on me and less reliant on pills.

Sunday evening I skipped my regular dose of Latuda which is an anti-psychotic I had been taking to help stabilize my moods. As with the Lamictal I noticed a couple times where there was a curious flatness, this was unlike the zombie like state I experienced when I was taking Zoloft for depression which had been prescribed by my OB-GYN. Yesterday I was talking to my sister about how overwhelmed I had been feeling about things around the house. I want to paint, I have a back room to redo which is cool, but suddenly the laundry in the basement, the dishes in the sink, and the areas I had started painting and not finished coalesced around me. She assured me that this was normal and reminded me that there was no particular time frame to get any of this done. Relief.

A friend of mine sent me an email this morning that I'm going to respond to later. It's funny how easy it can be to see what other people should or could be doing in their lives. The other day I read that trying to view your own life through the eyes of another can be helpful, instead of saying; I am nervous, I can say; you are nervous to myself, that distance can help calm people down. There were other tips in that article, I'm going to go back and reread that again, I remember writing was one of the prompts, I always feel better when I write, when I walk, when I make myself healthy nutritious meals, and when I take time to get out of the house, and when I get a good night's sleep.

Today I went back and skimmed through every Twitter interaction I've had with the guy that I like. It goes back to March 14, 2015, I've liked him for longer than that. I was still married back then so I didn't really think about him seriously. I asked if I could send him an email in September, December was the mental hospital stay, and I've decided I'm going to print this out so I can see it in color. It was wonderful to be offered that kind of support from someone. I read what he wrote and how I responded. To say that I've come a long way as the relationship has progressed is a serious understatement. I found the conversation where I feel like the dynamic changed, before that there was a back and forth, but this was more of a conversation rather than a he said, she said type thing.

Today I told my neighbor I couldn't go to yoga due to lingering dehydration. My electrolytes are off, they tend to be, and I don't know why or what to do about it. I'm very frustrated by a lot of things right now, but I had some breakthroughs yesterday. I took Jill to the dentist, to Walgreens for floss that her hygienist recommended, out for tacos, and in for a haircut that she desperately needed. The stylist trimmed off her damaged ends, gave her some long layers, and I think once Jill showers and lets her hair dry naturally it will be absolutely adorable. When we were ordering tacos the girls asked if we could get a soda. I told Jill I didn't want to since she doesn't brush her teeth thoroughly, she has some decalcified spots that will never go away since plaque sat on her teeth for so long.

She may have more spots like that beneath the brackets of her braces, the idea that people aren't taking care of their teeth scares me. It's evidence of a lack of personal pride in appearance, a hallmark of depression, and speaks volumes about the level of her self esteem. She bought herself some lipstick that her sister said was ugly. The girls were pretending that we were the Kardashians, it was pretty funny to hear Jane as Kim and Jill as Kendall. We shared the picnic table with a man and his son when we were eating our tacos. He made a comment about how powerful Jill's imagination is, I could tell he was taken by her, she's a beautiful child woman with clothes that express her personality, the butterfly soup of humanity is a fascinating thing to watch unfolding.

I've been thinking about healthier relationships and health in general. I'm going to get a membership to the yoga studio. I need more barefoot time in my life. The idea that there is an energetic level of health was new to me, for many years I've been very angry, some of those strangleholds on my emotions are slipping as I read and learn new behavioral practices. What I love about my relationship with my exclusive romantic interest is how healthy it feels. He makes me want to do things that develop me further. I've never had this kind of emotional support in my life before, it's been a surreal experience, one that I sometimes think I don't deserve.

I need to chill out. Yoga helps, reading the Bible, reading in general helps. I need to make time for reading in my schedule and part of that is creating a comfortable reading space where I feel cozy enough to want to sit down with a book for a while. I'm still undisciplined about getting the housework done which makes me mad at myself, but I'm also doing things that will make this place more functional and prettier. Jill and Jane's dad will pay for paint, I need to call some favors in and get my support system. I've been reaching out to a wider group of people. I can't rely on the same few people to meet every need that I have. Self reliance will be big for me going forward so that's a new skill I'm trying to cultivate. Lots going on, but all in a very positive good way which is thrilling.

Day One of the somewhat ridiculously restrictive diet. I'm a little concerned. By around 2pm I was peckish, and by 4pm I was having serious trouble concentrating. By 6pm I was overcome with nausea at the sugar-free protein shake I had just had (the third of the day) for 'snack.'

This is going to be harder than I thought. It's harder than the test run a few weeks ago, by far. There are probably a few of reasons for that. First, I had a large supper last night ('Last Supper' and all) whereas last time I eased into it over a couple of days. Second, this time, I know I'm not allowed to kite out of it when it gets to be too annoying. Third, one of my primary coping tools was taken away. I read the nutritional info on the sugar-free Popsicles I had been planning to use as treat substitutes (because I actually do like them) and found that while they have no sugar, they have 4 grams of carbs. And I have to stay under 10 total per day, and the shakes have 1-2 each. Finally, fourth - this time, the diet - it's basically forever. The whole existential panic attack feeling was probably from that.

Now, I know I'll be able to eat real food again, probably in three months. But that's three months away, and when I can, I'll only be able to eat really tiny amounts of it.


I also suspect my subconscious knows that if it can just get me to eat McDonalds, the surgery will possibly have to be postponed.

None of these things bode well for my peace of mind over the next two weeks.

Weight: 331.2

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