On my 30th birthday I formalized a list of semi-objective questions to ask yourself to determine whether or not you are an adult. Here's the expanded edition of those questions. Score one point for each "yes" answer, score zero points for each "no" answer.

  • Have you ever stuck your hand in the toilet, especially to retrieve an item which could easily be flushed and replaced, such as a toothbrush, comb, hair brush, goldfish, cat or a Buick?
  • Have you ever voluntarily cleaned up someone else's vomit?
  • Have you ever voluntarily wiped someone else's bottom? This counts double if the bottom belonged to your own offspring or parent/grandparent/etc.
  • Have you ever attended a concert at which there was a mosh pit and remained seated for the entire show?
  • Have you ever heard some new hit song and thought "The crap kids listen to these days," or perhaps, "How can they call this stuff music!?!"
  • Have you ever bought a new vehicle because it had "excellent safety features"?
  • Have you ever purchased and eaten wheat germ? (Answer 'no' if it was served to you as a child)
  • Have you ever purchased a large home appliance as a gift for yourself or your spouse?
  • Do you own a lawn tractor?
  • Have you ever seriously considered having a colonic?

    A score of 6+ indicates a severe case of adulthood. It's too late, you're too far gone to be saved.

    A score of 3-5 indicates a possible trend toward adulthood. You should consider buying a fast car, hanging out with a younger crowd and trying out some new music.

    A score of 0-2 indicates complete freedom from adulthood. Keep it going and soon you'll be accepted for admission to your local community college.

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