43-man Squamish is a sport invented by the writers at MAD Magazine, and first appearing in the June 1965 issue (issue #95), under the title There's a Soccer Born Every Minute Dept. They had noted that existing sports were rather unfair, in that those who trained, read the rule books, and watched the sport for a number of years became more adept and/or knowledgeable than those who did not. So they set out to fix that.

43-Man Squamish is played on a five-sided field (called the Flutney). The teams consist of one right inside Grouch, one right outside Grouch, four Deep Brooders, four Shallow Brooders, five Wicket Men, three Offensive Niblings, four Quarter-Frummets, one Full-Frummet, two Overblats, two Underblats, nine back-up Finks, two Leapers, and a Dummy. Players carry large hooked sticks called Frullips, which they use to prevent opponents from carrying the Pritz to the endzone. The pritz is a small, spongy ball stuffed with bluejay feathers, carried in the mouth.

There are a number of additional rules dictating how to begin a match, proper scoring, icing on the snivel, who is a qualified referee, and what kind of sticking is and is not permitted. Although MAD magazine has received a number of letters claiming that some informal college teams and summer camp programs have begun (and continue) to play 43-man Squamish, on close inspection it is alway found that they are playing a degenerate hybrid that does not actually conform to the published rules.

Those of a less athletic bent may wish to attempt the (completely unrelated) board game Three-Cornered Pitney instead.

Each player is equipped with a long hooked stick known as a Frullip. The Frullip is used to halt opposing players attempting to cross your goal line with the Pritz (ball). The Official Pritz is 3 3/4 inches in diameter and is made of untreated Ibex hide stuffed with Blue Jay feathers.

Play begins with the Probate Judge flipping a new Spanish peseta. If the Visiting Captain calls the toss correctly, the game is immediately cancelled. If he fails to call it correctly, then the Home Team Captain is given his choice of either carrying the Pritz . . . or defending against it.

The game of Squamish is played on a 5-sided field known as a Flutney. The two teams line up at opposite sides of the Flutney and play seven Ogres of fifteen minutes each - unless it rains, in which case they play eight Ogres.

The defending right Outside Grouch signifies that he is ready to hurl the Pritz by shouting, "Mi Tio es infermo, pero la carretera es verde!" - a wise old Chilean proverb that means, "My Uncle is sick, but the highway is green!"

The offensive team, upon receiving the Pritz, has five Snivels in which to advance to the enemy goal. If they do it on the ground, it's a Woomik and counts 17 points. If they hit it across with their Frullips, it's a Durmish which only counts 11 points. Only the offensive Niblings and Overblats are allowed to score in the first 6 Ogres.

Special rules, applicable only during the seventh Ogre, turn the game into something very akin to Buck Euchre. During this final Ogre (and the eighth, if it rains), the four Quarter-Frummerts are permitted to either kick or throw the Pritz, and the nine Finks are allowed to heckle the opposition by doing imitations of Barry Goldwater.

A typical seventh Ogre play is shown below (sic). Team "A"-trailing 516-209, is in possession of the Pritz with fourth Snivel and half the Flutney to go. Suddenly, the left Underblat, going for the big one, sends two Shallow Brooders and the Full-Frummert downfield. Obviously, he is going to try for a Woomik when the opposition expects a Durmish. A daring play of this type invariably brings the crowd rising to its feet and heading for the exits.

A variety of penalities keep play for getting out of hand. Walling the Pritz, Frullip-gouging, icing on fifth Snivel, running with the mob and raunching are all minor infractions subject to a ten-yard penalty. Major infractions (sending the Dummy home early, interfering with Wicket Men, rushing the season, bowing to the inevitable and inability to face facts) are punishable by loss of half the Flutney, except when the Yellow Caution Flag is out.

Squamish rules provide for 4 officials: a Probate Judge, a Field Representative, a Head Cockswain and a Baggage Smasher. None has any authority after play has begun. In the event of a disagreement between the officials, a final decision is left up to the spectator who left his car in the parking lot with the lights on and the motor running.

In the event of a tie score, the teams play a sudden-death overtime. The exception to this rule occurs when opposing Left Overblats are both out of the game on personal fouls. When such is the case, the two teams line up on opposite sides of the Flutney and settle the tie by shouting dirty limericks at each other until one team breaks up laughing.

Amateur Squamish players are strictly forbidden to accept subsidies, endorse products, make collect phone calls or eat garlic. Otherwise they lose their amateur standing. A player may turn Pro, however, merely by throwing a game.

Schools with small enrollments which preclude participation in 43-Man Squamish may play a simplified version of the game: 2-Man Squamish. The rules are identical, except that in 2-Man Squamish, the object of the game is to lose.

The original charter calls for an annual meeting of the National Squamish Rules Committee. At its inaugural meeting, the committee approved a re-wording of Article XVI, Paragraph 77, Section J of the rules. This section, which formerly read: "The offensive left Underblat, in all even-numbered Ogres, much touch down his Frullip at the edge of the Flutney and signal to the Head Cockswain that he is ready for play to continue," has now been simplified to read: "The offensive left Underblat, in all even-numbered ogres, must touch down his Frullip at the edge of the Flutney and signal to either the Head Cockswain, or to any other official to whom the Head Cockswain may have delegated this authority in writing and in the presence of two witnesses, both of whom shall have been approved and found to be of high moral character by the Office of the Commissioner, that he is ready for play to continue."

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