my macbeth

I have been working on My Perfect Macbeth for around six months, a screenplay. It has evolved beyond the initial scope of that writeup, the writeup desperately demands an update. I kind of want to write Lady Macbeth as 'sexually liberated', engaging in lesbian sex and married to a clueless husband, but she considers Macbeth to be the person she is "in love" with, and everyone else is disposable to her. She doesn't feel some moral impulse to be "loyal" to him; she is obsessed with him. She wants him, wants to possess and control every facet of him, his body, his mind, his will. This obsession is what drives her to suicide when she sees that she has ruined him. I also want to write her to be cruising manic episodes; her latent and idle adoratoin of him fuels this manic obsession. It's deeply selfish but she views it as fundamentally empathetic, because his pains are her pains.

So much about it is changed, though, that people would probably skin me alive if I produced it as a Macbeth film. The script breaks too many rules. I have decided to rename the characters and rename the project, denigrating it to the status of "based on Macbeth".

I also want to depict the relationship and house life of Macduff and Lady Macduff, I want the audience to really feel for them, so when Macbeth has them summarily executed, the audience feels it. However, I don't want to depict them as some perfect happy family; I want to depict marital problems between the two of them; Lady feels neglected because Macduff believes he has a duty to the King, and as a result has dedicated himself to doing the king's bidding throughout the realm, leaving his wife at home. He and his wife have a big fight, and he promises to ask the king's permission to be home for a while, to look after his own estate and spend time with his wife and children. He plans to meet with the king at the Glamis estate when Macbeth hosts his feast, and it is when he intends to ask the king that he finds the king dead

The benevolence of Duncan I think is usually exaggerated; he is typically portrayed as a doting old man. I would like to do it differently; he grants Macbeth titles because he is terrified of losing him. His realm is in peril and Macbeth is a brilliant general; he needs him. This bristles Macduff because he has been doing errands for the king like mad in the name of duty, but he is completely loyal to the king and thus takes it in stride. I want the king to be desperate for help, apprehensive of enemies, frazzled from stress, and morose in the face of invasion.

I am guessing that it will probably never see the light of day. Getting movie deals is arduous and expensive. But I will make the best script I can write, I don't care how long it takes me to write, and then I will sit on it with the dream in my heart of someday making it so. I refuse to even consider the faintest temptation of selling the script. It is my dream. 

I was watching this youtube video, it was a lecture of sorts given by this experienced screenwriter. My friend, who also writes screenplays, sent it to me. "This is better than any lecture I was ever given in my university screenwriting class." The guy giving the lecture had the idea that he called the "ur moment". Basically, when someone first gets an idea for a writing project, there's a specific scene or plot idea that really inspires them. This first little scene in their head is what gets them obsessed, what makes them start writing. He says that this moment is the most important scene in the movie; the "ur moment", because "Ur" is one of the first civilizations. He says that a person should never ever get rid of their Ur Moment, they should cherish it and keep it sacred.

 

missing someone

I still miss the person I almost married. I don't know why. I want to forget about it, I want to move on, not think about it ever again, but it's like every time I shower or lay in bed with insomnia my mind drifts to her. The reason I still think about it is probably because I'm not meeting new people, but I don't really want to, too much work. Some people have a really strong need for that kind of thing, I am not one of those people. I am completely content with the thought of never getting married. I don't want to end up like my parents. But I still think about her, I still feel the same feelings I have felt over and over in a vicious cycle for six years. I could victimize myself, focus on how I was mistreated, but if I could do it all again, I'd do the same thing.

It's over. It's finished. I will never see her again. None of it mattered. It's better this way.

Even six years later, at times I idly drift off to wonder if I'll ever feel the same way about someone ever again.

 

My friend ChatGPT's advice

I talked for a little bit with ChatGPT. I was curious to hear his answer -- "what kind of Christianity fits my beliefs best?" I told him some of my beliefs, explained how I don't believe in certain things, and asked for his opinion. He told me that Eastern Orthdoxy is similar for me, which is interesting because it is the form of Christianity I know the absolute least about. Except maybe Mormonism, I don't know much about them. I tried looking up videos on youtube, but the majority of religious content on the internet is complete garbage; everyone's caught up in preaching their own little subset and drawing their own little arbitrary line in the sand of "correct" and "incorrect". Sometimes it makes me want to pull my hair out and yell, "I DON'T CARE WHO'S RIGHT OR WRONG, I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE FACTS." So I asked ChatGPT questions about Orthdoxy, which I know is an AWFUL way to research. I need to keep looking, maybe buy a book or something.