This society is sick. It is deeply, profoundly ill with a malady that is both virulent and insidious. It is an illness that is carried in people’s minds, its symptoms are manifested all around us. It is so widespread now that we hardly remark when we discover its presence. We may see it in anyone – your boss, your neighbour, your friend, your mother. Think about it. Maybe even you are a victim.

Do you know anyone (who is not lactose intolerant) who drinks soy milk to increase their life span? Anyone who became a vegetarian because meat contains fat? Do you know anyone who has ever, on any occasion, worn any form of magnetic device as a healing aid? Anyone who wears an uncut crystal? Anyone who has ever been diagnosed with anything using iridology? Anyone who avoids any cosmetics or convenience foods because they contain “artificial chemicals”? Anyone who has ever bought a ‘Whale Song’ CD, or believes that rainforest is tranquil? Finally, and most tellingly, anyone who has ever believed that we should abandon the trappings of modern life and live in harmony with nature?

It is very likely that unless you lead an isolated existence as a hermit somewhere, (in which case you probably qualify under several categories listed above yourself), that you know at least one person who is showing several of those symptoms. You may not have recognised it as a symptom of disease before, but that is what it is. It is a menace that looms over everything modern society has achieved like that evil genetically mutated corn cob that threatened delegates at the World Trade Organisation meeting in Seattle a few years back.

It is not yet certain what its final stages will be, or who or what is responsible. Some blame an attempt at world domination by a sinister cartel, others fear it is the early stages of an invasion by aliens. In any case, the symptoms are clearly part of a wider plot . This plot has its roots a third of a century ago, when the first wave of civilised people lost their minds and began to harmonise with nature. Why this occurred is not yet sure. The question is being studied. But what is certain is how it evolved with such horrifying speed during the last decade, when its new weapon was unleashed on the world.

It is the most powerful biological agent ever used against human populations. It is mysterious yet ever-present, adored by those who feel they somehow need to suffer in the cause of their greater happiness. It is flocked to by hordes of brainwashed health- nuts and nature-worshippers. It is the Soy Bean. Although it has theoretically existed, and even been cultivated by mankind for thousands of years, it has only begun its onslaught on the wellbeing of western civilisation in the last decade or so. It was rejected by those who in the last two centuries scoured the East for every substance worth selling, as it lacked any apparent desirability to any advanced culture capable of commercially producing milk and cheese.

However, when Western Man looked at what he had become during the first three-quarters of the twentieth century, he desired penance for his sins. His salvation came in the form of the soy bean, where he found virtuous suffering and the capability for self-righteousness over less enlightened mortals in one convenient, holy little package. With one simple leguminous plant came the potential to avoid so many of the good things in life, and nourish pleasant feelings of virtue at the same time.

The Soy Bean is a versatile product, able to be converted into so many diverse forms, ranging from the infamous soy milk (as may be used with herbal coffee substitute in a ‘soyachino’, a guilt and drug-free refreshing beverage that is arguably one of the most revolting things ever invented by our species), to a foodstuff that any right-thinking human being should be repulsed by, to that stuff of the Devil himself:


Tofu, along with its allies the lentil and the organically grown vegetable, are launching an insidious attack on everything that is good and enjoyable in our diets. But what is the international plot behind this, you ask? Be patient, for there is an answer.

Recently, while a committee of world experts on the health food menace was pondering the question of this evil little bean, a flash of insight arrived from the blue. It was a simple enough thought, yet it promises to change forever the way we view and fight the International Tofu Conspiracy. The thought was this: Has anyone you know ever seen a soy bean? Does anyone know what they look like, where they are grown, how they are processed? Most tellingly, has anyone reliable every witnessed the entire process be carried out? The answer, as far as we can ascertain, is no. The soy bean is a mysterious agent, materialising from the aether in its manifestation as unappetising white goo or nauseating milk substitute, accompanied by hordes of crystal- dangling, aromatherapy-endorsing fruitcakes. It does not have any worldly or at least remotely natural origins.

Theories as to the origins and production of the soy bean are as diverse as the uses of the so-called plant itself. In fact, in its astonishing diversity lies the key to its discovery. The most reputable theory is that the soy products are produced in a massive industrial laboratory complex in Area 51, Nevada. Biochemists have researched for decades to perfect the product’s capacity to sway the human mind. The finished chemical is produced in enormous vats, and either dissolved in weak acid to form ‘soy milk’ or left as a solid residue as its more concentrated form, Tofu.

Why would this be done? The answer is clear. This ‘soy’ is an addictive substance, with the capability to alter the normal thought patterns of the human mind. If it can make people believe in organic tomatoes and whale song, then it can make them believe in anything.

Let it be said. I'm a big fan of stir-fried tofu, have seen Soy Beans, and feel that trashing the biosphere is probably an unwise thing to do. What the hell, this was just too tempting a title to pass up.