Saturday.
Wake up and slide back into sleep and wake up and back to
sleep and wake up and
get up and read a little and fall asleep on the floor and wake up with
carpetface. The workers are grinding and blasting in the
basement but two floors up it's just a loud hum, not hard to sleep to.
Pete's house is spacious and
breezy and has a kid in it.
Home, I get a little morbid and a lot shaky-worried. Probably no one who has ever been nice to me has ever meant it. Probably getting life insurance was good because it will be a financial relief to my parents when I die. I think about suicide which cheers me up (shhh, keep reading) because I know I am so far from it now. Years ago, it was just a question of when. Now it is clearly a "never," which cheers me up for about five minutes before I realize I don't have any power over anything anyway. I test myself with the same thought that has sent me spiraling for weeks, and hey look, it still works. I take a shower and end up yelling and crying and doing a pretty good job shaving my legs at the same time. Talents born of depression.
I do the only thing that makes sense, write to edebroux. Dear Bizz I don't know what to do and I miss the hell out of you every day. I'm tired and this is too hard and I need a job and how long can I pretend nothing is wrong? If you were here we would find a way to laugh at it.
Two pages later I am better enough to call her sister, who is the right voice this time. Paula and I talk about firemen and doctors and how they can do the things they have to. She says she worries every times she goes down the stairs that she will fall and kill the baby. She tells me a horrible story about a woman who was eight months in and the baby smothered itself in the placenta and she had to go through labor anyway. I tell her the thing that makes me keep crying, and it makes me cry. Then somehow we are past it and on to swollen feet and mother's day and crazyass cats. I thank her before we hang up. "Girl," she says, "I'm just glad you quit cryin'. You call me next time it happens."