The other day I was talking to a friend of mine, we had a great conversation, and I was thinking about letting go. I have let go of many things in my life. Recently I gave away two sweaters, a black one, and the pink one that I now miss. It was never about the clothes, the dishes, the object itself, it was almost always about control. I have a friend who is very cautious. I'm the more adventuresome type, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, that was his response. My first friend and I had a conversation about emotions, and why it is so hard to stay with feelings that are uncomfortable. I learned that even a positive emotion can be scary, but there is great power in acknowledging it, and letting it wash over me. I tried the online dating thing again, the first guy wanted me to come visit him because he had an unexpected day off in the middle of the week. It wasn't a date, he told me what he wanted to do to me, and I told him that I didn't think that this was going to work.
Undaunted, I kept swiping. I found another guy, maybe not the greatest looking person ever, but he seemed warmer, and I liked that. He was positive, upbeat, cheerful, easy to talk to, fun, not that interesting, but I liked what he did for a living. He had a question for me, this is what he said. I was curious, and then I didn't know what to think. Under normal circumstances I would never meet a man I did not know very well at his place. While there are those who disagree with me, in my mind, if you go to his place, and the two of you are alone, sex is on the agenda. His invitation was so outrageous I had trouble processing it initially. Did this person really just ask if I would travel thousands of miles during a pandemic to stay at his place? I laughed it off, several of my friends were concerned, beneath it, I was hurt. I wanted to believe that there were better men out there. I know a lot of men, I work with them, they are my friends, sports have been absent for most of the year, and now they are returning, perhaps unwisely.
Rather than let go, I thought about trying to get closer. What if, instead of writing off yet another guy that I knew, I did something different? I was thinking about this while talking to my first friend, but I didn't tell her this. Instead I shared it with someone who knows me better. I did my best to be candid, and he said something unexpected. I could always ask someone out myself he reminded me. I had been thinking about that and wondering. This person has a birthday coming up, and I like to buy presents. But it had to be something special. He has paintings, and I'm happy he does, I have a couple more that I want to hand to him, sometimes the person who inspired a certain piece feels like the owner to me. I turned this over in my mind, and decided that another painting was not the answer. I bought a stick blender, and then some groceries. I was heading home, and had a new idea. So I drove to a store that I haven't been to recently. It's always there for me when I return, and I contemplated my reasons for not shopping there as often as I have in times past.
At home I wrote out my message. I explained that I missed him, and asked if he wanted to get together outside of work sometime. I am no longer employed there, but it still feels like a place where I belong. I folded the card in half along the top, stuck it in an envelope, and sealed it. Now the only thing I have to do is give it to him. While I was explaining this to the woman who sold me his present, she was very encouraging. I'm not sure how long we have known each other, years, perhaps even a decade, time plays tricks on me as I age. She told me that I didn't have anything to lose by asking him out, and that he would understand what I was saying without spelling it out for me. She had other good advice including a line on bravery. Courage only had to last for three seconds she told me, and as she said it, I realized that it was true. I'm scared. Not of rejection, although there is that possibililty, but what if I get what I want? It terrifies me, but the only way out is through, and part of me feels very ready for this. I only hope he feels that way too.
Xoxo,
Jess
P.S. There's always some madness, but there is method in there too.
j
- It hardly seems possible
- that twelve months have
- disappeared, one year ago,
- we were both walking,
- our separate directions,
- you were heading west,
- while I was traveling east.
- We have covered a lot of
- ground since then, doesn't
- every prolonged and
- agonizing journey start
- with that single first step?
- P.S. I still write you love letters...