Monday: Was awesome. I hadn't seen my NP in a
while. During my appointment, I started crying. She put her arms across my
shoulders, gave me a hug, and told me that we would get to the bottom of
whatever it was that I have right now. The woman who drew my blood was
very kind. I ended up being very late to pick up the girls because a
test I had to take required drinking a sweet solution, waiting, and then
breathing into a bag. That test is for intestinal bacteria in case I
have some sort of infection that might explain my symptoms. I left with a
renewed sense of hope, and more optimism than I've had about my
physical health and well being in quite some time.
Tuesday: Was awesome. I love my new therapist. She's an older woman
with two poodles that kept us company while we talked. I was upset
because I had forgotten my intake paperwork at home, but the
receptionist, who has known me for years gave me the essentials to fill
out while I waited. My therapist recently returned from a nutrition
conference in Minnesota. She was very excited to hear that I have been
gluten free for years, and eat mostly whole organic foods. She told me I
am doing some of the best things I can for my mental wellness, and has
some suggestions to help me cope with the loneliness, depression, and
alienation at home. She encouraged me to keep feeding the girls the way
that I am, and told me I should write a cookbook after I showed her some
pictures of meals I had prepared.
My Twitter friends were so encouraging when I told them about my
therapist. A while ago, some friends of mine said we should get
together. We talked about a hypothetical trip, and it might never
happen, but it might, and these people reminded me that I have people
who love and care about me which is one of the most healing and
therapeutic things a woman like me can have. I told them I wanted to
open a restaurant, and friend of mine retweeted it so now I have to
according to him. I love meeting people with interesting new ideas, who
share bits and pieces of their lives with me, and I love how 140
characters can build incredibly strong relationships with people I've
never met.
My haircut is not awesome, but we had to undo damage from the last
cut I had, so it's a growing out process again. My hairdresser said she
thinks it will grow out well, I have another cut scheduled in eight
weeks, and I'm hoping that by summer, my hair will be the length and
style I want, without the streaks of color I used to have. She's been
cutting my hair since before either of us had children. She has four, I
have two plus my step-daughter, and I love that I can be myself, sit in
her kitchen, and relax while we work through our individual issues. She
has two pot smoking renters with small children living upstairs from her. She and her husband had
to serve them an eviction notice, and she's hoping that won't create
problems further down the line.
Dave Ramsey: was awesome last night. I used to sell insurance, I
know, it's not a bright spot in my past, but I was young, and believed
that I could change people's lives for the better with tools like
budgeting, and refinancing. I didn't last because I wanted to help
people save money. Had I stayed in finance, I probably would have more
money than I do now, but compromising what I believed was best for my
clients wouldn't have helped me sleep well at night. I met some neat
people, and I'm glad that they had me to talk them out of what I was
selling because most of them couldn't afford what I was shilling. If you
think finance or nutrition are complicated, they can be, but they don't
have to be. Learn the basics, and don't be afraid to do your own
research while following experts who are independently wealthy, and have
learned from their mistakes.
Today: Was not exactly awesome, but I'm proud of the way I handled
several situations. I'm still nervous about meeting with my daughter's
therapist tomorrow, but much less so after meeting my therapist this
past Tuesday. She helped me see that my parents are the way that they
are, and they aren't going to apologize for being abusive. They're stuck
in their ways, and content with the bitter and infrequent times they
see their children. I want something better, so even though it's
extremely painful for me to admit that I haven't been the parent I
should have been, or wanted to be, there is power in admitting failure,
and strength in opening yourself up to new options.
I rent parenting CD's at the reasonable cost of $2/week, and those
things have helped me so much. I'm still trying to internalize what I'm
hearing, but I believe that my listening skills have improved, and I
have a much better relationship with my oldest, although there are still
times when we talk past each other. The girls are learning about the
consequences of their behavior. They were mad at me, so they locked me
out of the house. I didn't knock or ring the doorbell, instead I went to
the bank, and stopped at the local grocery store I patronize. I met a
fascinating woman there who shared her journey with celiac disease,
and I might complain about things I've been through, but I haven't been
diagnozed as schizophrenic, having MS, or admitted to a
psychiatric facility, nor have I ever had any seizures.
We had a long talk, and when I got home, my daughter apologized for
locking me out of the house. I could have gotten in through the garage,
but I smiled at her, told her I wasn't upset, and I had a wonderful time
sharing nutrition information with my new friend. When my daughter
wanted a snack, I reminded her that I threw two breakfasts away this
morning. She started crying when she told me that she hadn't had any
supper. I told her that I was so sorry, and I had wanted to make
spaghetti, but since I couldn't get into the house, I wasn't able to
give her a hot meal. There's plenty of food in my house, I saw the jelly
jar out on the counter, but I think that hearing that her actions prevented her from getting supper was a lesson she needed to learn.
The polish from my manicure started chipping off, I removed it, and
now I'm left with nails that don't seem like my own. My NP told me that I
looked much better than I have in the past. My coloring is good, I
seemed more bubbly according to her, and my tongue had improved since my
last visit. She's running some tests to see how much I'm absorbing from
what I eat, and I'm praying so hard that I'll get some answers when I
return to her in two weeks. I like my job, I just cashed my first
paycheck, dealing with these health, parenting, fitness, money, and
wellness issues are not easy, but I'm learning, I'm growing, and I'm
doing something about my problems instead of just ignoring them. Would
love to write more, but need to get to bed.
P.S. Happy Valentine's Day
jess