I know I am a food addict. And M. is as well. I am so angry with him today! I started to write him about this, to finish off what I told him yesterday, then thought I should write about it first, and let it simmer for a little while. My point in communicating this to him is not to hurt him, but to express myself and maybe shake him up a little more. So maybe this time around, his abstinence will stick.
I am so very unhappy about his being 90 pounds overweight. I know I have no right to ask him to stop being an addict, or to change his food plan to exclude some of the fatty substances he continues to eat, every single meal, every single day. I don't like his choices, and I have no say over his choices. I feel helpless in the face of how he deals (or actually, doesn't deal) with his addiction. I am really sad that he hasn't lost any weight this year. He even gained weight.
He has told me over and over that he had so much to deal with since December of 1999, and that has been his excuse for not paying attention to his addiction, or binging over and over. He lost his fiance, he lost half of his so-called friends (Because his friends were really her friends? Is that the real truth?) He had to find an apartment and move out of her house within two weeks, during the Christmas season, screwing up his dissertation study as he had to use that money to move instead. And he got even more clinically depressed than he already were.
Sorry, but I have to say I just don't buy that. I never have. If anyone has had a lot to go through this past year or so, it certainly has been M. - AND me. And at least four other people that I can think of. Tell me something new. I know when you are going through a shitty time it feels the hardest to get clean, but that's the best time to do it. Life sucks, life is hard, it gets harder, that's just reality!!
It's really been frustrating to me to watch M. continue in his addiction. He's been nothing but supportive to me this past year as I've dealt with my favorite grandmother's death, being in a relationship with M. (the love of my life) after an absence of over ten years, and gone back into therapy with the express purpose of integration. And for the past 15 months, I've been clean with the exception of a total of four weeks, most of which have been in the past two months.
I know you can't compare one person's journey to another's, but I'm really, really angry and disgusted with M. It's just been one excuse after another as to why he couldn't do it. I just don't want to hear about it any more.
I feel as though I am moving towards a place away from M., because he keeps being an addict. And I just don't want any parts of it. If he changes, great, my heart will be full. But if he doesn't, soon, I will probably have to go. And just be a friend. And that will break my heart.