There is a terrible crisis in our nation at this time. It is a crisis that is coital in nature. The Prince of Darkness, Joe Biden, has been elected Vice President of the United States of America. This is a man who bred hideous creatures in an underground lab and then created a tax shelter for them. The Prince of Darkness will bring terrible things upon the heads of patriotic Americans such as myself and my friend Chopper. Our tax money will be used to teach the feeble minded how to swim, provide trips to Disney World in Florida for violent criminals and drugs lords (who could at least be asked to pay for the trip to Disney out of their own deep pockets – but that won’t happen with a Democrat in the Office of Traitor), and to repair roads that are already being driven on. Instead of being rewarded for our ingenuity and our dedication to fine workmanship in the craft shops around our great country, we will soon be rewarded for taking craps on public floors.
This is why I, Berhardt Goats, sensible man, am announcing my run for Vice President of the United States of America in 2012. We must regain faith in icons and statues. We need to put the money back in the hands of people who have experience having lots of money for really long periods of time because those who do not always have very much money on them obviously cannot be trusted with any of it any longer. Changes must be made. We must become a nation of first born children, something that will start with the very necessary enslaving and brutal mistreatment of all the people in this country who were not first born children, unless the first born child died before any of his or her siblings were born in which case a second born child could receive a special dispensation.
Changes MUST be made. The progress of our fathers cannot be permitted to be stopped by the malignant tumor of our mothers and their sickening ways. We must look to the man, the man who stood strong and tall at the gates when the battle was about to begin and did not blink or become in the least bit flinchie. That is the kind of man we need. That is the kind of man I am. I am a non-flinchie man.
Color with your secondary children before they are rightfully put into irons and forced to do underground labor to build a mysterious dark city in which we will rise from our own ashes after Phoenix is destroyed by terrorists. Color with them and help them to enjoy games and diversions. In the near future there will be no more of that for them. There will only be suffering. And you will only have one man to blame for this. Joe Biden.
I am not a crank. I am a fully tenured professor of ethics in the Greater Maryland University System. This position is only given to people with knowledge and ability, not to cranks.