9 inexplicably popular movies, in no particular order, which I hate
In which I detail why I hate them, and why anyone who likes them is a fucking retard
1. Forrest Gump
Perhaps I’m wrong about this one. Perhaps it’s only the first two hours of this movie that totally suck ass, and the last hour is really great. I can’t say for sure, because on all three of my attempts to watch this movie, I’ve ejected the disc half-way through, dug a big hole in my garden, dropped the disc in and then filled the whole using just my own faeces. The incredibly fascist message of this movie is the main thing that upsets me – question your government, and you deserve to end up dead, or in a wheel chair, or having group sex with the leadership committee of the Black Panthers. Also, Tom Hanks’s performance set back the cause of Disabled Rights by twenty years, cause when I think of him as Forrest, it makes me want to punch a retard
WHEN I THINK OF THIS MOVIE, I CHEER MYSELF UP BY: Reading Winston Groom’s excellent novel of the same name.
2.Requiem For A Dream
A movie which a deep, meaningful exploration of the struggle with addiction in an uncaring society. But enough about The Man With The Golden Arm. In Requiem for a Dream, Aranovsky creates a new genre – drug porn. Come watch two hours of junkies wallowing in their own filth! Look, she wants coke so bad, she’s got a vibrator up her ass! He’s so hooked on smack, his fucking arm fucking falls fucking off! Doesn’t it make you glad you’re not like that, that you’re a good connoisseur of middle-brow art movies, sitting on sofa with a glass of wine, a bag of Doritos and half a jar of prozac, you worthless, muesli-eating, Chuck Palahniuk-reading piece of shit.
WHEN I THINK OF THIS MOVIE, I CHEER MYSELF UP BY: Taking heroin
3. Life Is Beautiful
In which Roberto Benigni correctly identifies the problem with most World War II movies: they’re just not up enough, you know. So we have a screwball romance centering around Auschwitz, and the a group of concentration camp inmates who look like they’re at a middle management team-building excerise. And why do we mourn the six million people who died in the holocaust anyway? If a young child could survive it, obviously only idiots died there.
WHEN I THINK OF THIS MOVIE, I CHEER MYSELF UP BY: Watching Duck Soup. Duck Soup is The Bible, Life Is Beautiful is The Da Vinci Code.
4. Igby Goes Down
Not an entirely unenjoyable movie. There is the bit where Kieran Culkin gets punched in the face. Something which I longed to do while watching this self-indulgent portrait of spoilt upper-class babies whining about how hard it is to be rich and interesting. If you enjoyed this movie, talk a long hard look at your wall. You will be the first against it when the revolution comes.
WHEN I THINK OF THIS MOVIE, I CHEER MYSELF UP BY: Watching This Sporting Life and thanking god that I was born working class.
Slightly less authentic in it’s documentation of historical fact than Monty Python And The Holy Grail. It’s just a big excuse to get people to hate the English, and by the English, we mean the Jews. Don’t we, Mel Gibson, you rabid, drunk-driving, anti-semitic prick. You’re probably a fucking closet Scientologist, and we all hope you die of ass cancer.
WHEN I THINK OF THIS MOVIE, I CHEER MYSELF UP BY: Watching In The Name Of The Father, which makes me hate the English for far better reasons.
6. A Beautiful Mind
Depressed? Paranoid? Mentally Ill? It’s okay – you can get better just by wishing hard enough. It’s like watching Snow White and the Seven Schizophrenics, directed in the capable hands of Ron Howard. Ron is an absolute fuck, and probably the only person in the world who jerked off during Beaches. He took the genuinely tragic and fascinating story of John Nash and turned into a Hollywood corn-fest. He makes Steven Spielberg look like Ken Loach and deserves to be buggered to death by Mel Gibson.
WHEN I THINK OF THIS MOVIE, I CHEER MYSELF UP BY: Counting to 8, which is something that Russell Crowe’s John Nash doesn’t seem capable of
7. American Beauty
When I first saw this movie, I hated it, but lacked the vocabulary to describe it’s failings. Fortunately, I now know the words I was looking for – they are “SOME FUCKING EMO CUNT”. So now I can say that American Beauty is a stupid movie in which Kevin Spacey is rescued from the hell of his upper-middle-class existence by SOME FUCKING EMO CUNT”.. Cause that’s the reason grown-ups feel sad, you know. It’s our failure to listen to pot-smoking Emos. If we listened to the useless Emo wanker teenager next door, we would, like, totally realise the futility of searching for materialistic gratification and just, like, be, man. Strangely, people over the age of 17 were involved in the making of this movie.
WHEN I THINK OF THIS MOVIE, I CHEER MYSELF UP BY: Watching The Good Girl. Same plot, done better. Features the eternally amazing John C Riley, however, and the FUCKING EMO CUNT”. turns out to be just another FUCKING EMO CUNT”..
8. The Shawshank Redemption
The men mill about in the prison courtyard, behaving manly and convict-ey. Suddenly, the prison is filled with the beautiful sound of an opera aria, and silently they stand, appreciating the bitter-sweet joy of the soprano’s voice. Because Shawshank is the only prison in the world filled with caring aesthetes, all innocent of their crimes. Any other prision in the history of the world would have been full of mono-browed criminals who who have yelled “TURN THAT FUCKING SCREEHING OFF!!!”. A prison movie for people who hate criminals.
WHEN I THINK OF THIS MOVIE, I CHEER MYSELF UP BY: Talking to guys who’ve actually done time, and hearing about the incredible mix of brutality and boredom provided by the penal system.
9. Blade Runner
I’ve watched this movie five times now, and tried desperately to find something to like about it. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that this is a piece of shit, and that the people who worship it are fucking morons, much like the people who think that Red Hot Chili Peppers are at the cutting edge of a musical something or other. You could have left the script on a table, and the delivery would have been less wooden than Harrison Ford’s. And Rutger Hauer’s allegedly–amazing “I’ve seen shit near Jupiter you wouldn’t fucking believe, man” speech sounds like a Christmas card poem written by Robert Heinlein. Dullest fucking movie ever.
WHEN I THINK OF THIS MOVIE, I CHEER MYSELF UP BY: Watching Brazil, to remember that sci-fi can be really, really smart.
Bite my glorious golden ass