Last night was a little rough on me.
I thought all this shit was over, but a few minutes after we sat down at the pub I could feel it starting again. I could feel it building up, and gathering power, and it got so that I could barely hear what anyone was saying.
On the walk home my roommate asked me what was wrong, and I broke down crying and said "I don't know I don't know I don't know" and then fell behind so no one could see me. But I'm glad she stayed with me for the rest of the night, even if I couldn't talk to her about anything. I don't want it to be a big deal or anything, so I'm glad she's the type of person who wouldn't tell everyone that I'm acting funny.
So I listened to Radiohead and stared at my wall and waited until it all passed and everything was quiet again, and wondered whether anything had happened at all. Who knows, maybe it won't come back again. Maybe it was never there. Maybe if I really make sure I want it to go away it will. Or maybe it's something I'm going to have to deal with. I've never been very good at dealing with things, especially when I don't really know what they are.
Maybe I just need to stop thinking myself in circles. It's really my own creation, whaterver this is. And if I created it, I should be able to stop it. It's like when I was a kid, and I would start thinking about how scary it would be if there was a monster under my bed, and then as soon as the fear hit me I would believe it, at least partly. Once it got that far I would be too scared to actually check under the bed, so the cycle continued until I finally forgot about it and went to sleep.
So I finally did forget about it and went to sleep. In the morning I almost didn't mind.