My cousin woke me up at freaking 10 in the morning. What the hell? Did he not know that I went to sleep around 4 earlier that day? My voice was low and scratchy, an imitation of Barry White's. He asked me to come over, I obliged, I'm nothing but entertainment to some people. We played a lot of Starcraft and after a while I was bored. We went to see The Emperor's New Groove, a very good movie, but then again most Disney movies are. Came back to his house and played more games, he played Roller Coaster Tycoon and I played Rogue Spear on the internet. There's nothing like killing a person a million miles away, its so exhilerating.

Talked on #everything, I think people are starting to "tolerate" my silly behavior, at least I would hope so. Saige is silly, she's funny, and I got to see her smile. I talked to anemotis, she's silly and funny as well, we danced in a swirl of a million colors, painted a mural on the floor with our footsteps of our dance, and flew in the clouds. But most of all, she called me a sweetie. :) Talked to clearpebbles too, she seems to be in a somewhat peppy mood, but then again her recent node would seem otherwise.

This is the letter that I wrote to Him today. Nothing else I have done today has been worthwile.

Jesse,

Normally I would not write an email doing this, because I feel that important things should be discussed in person or at least on the phone. But since I doubt we'll be conversing in the flesh anytime soon, and you keep hanging up on me, I have no choice.

It hurt me very very much that you would accuse me of those things you did. You could not possibly know how it feels to feel so badly about yourself because someone tells you that you deserve nothing more. I seriously doubt that anyone has ever treated me like you did, and I hope to God that you will never do it to anyone else.

I cared about you very very much. I probably even loved you. Everytime that you would cry, I would cry. I thought we had something that could never go away, or at least would never turn ugly like this. I guess I was wrong. You got what you wanted from me, you used me to give you rides and head and support, I knew this but I didnt care because I thought that maybe someday you would realize how much you meant to me and would feel the same. I want to tell you that I probably cant forgive you for the things you said and accused me of, because you are so so wrong Jesse. But Im sure you could care less, because you think that I am garbage because you dont want to believe any different.

Regarding Jennifer, I got a very mean email from her. I know you both despise me. I wrote her back trying to be civil. I cant do any less. I dont want anyone to hurt because I am tired of hurting. I tried to call you so many times last night. You would not give me a second of your time, and I would give you as long as you needed. That made me very sad, I wanted to die, SERIOUSLY. But I couldnt, because I cant let you do that to me. I have to live life now hoping that I can be a better person because of all this, and hope that no one ever makes me feel as horribly as you did and do.

I hope that you get back together with her, if thats what you want. I know that you want her and not me so there is no point in me wanting anything either. Im sorry I took so long to realize that.

I am going to try to only remember the good things. LIke when you told me I was your beautiful girlfriend and stole your grandmas car to see ME. And the beach, and our wonderful summer. You got me through it and for all you've said and done lately I will never be grateful enough for that. I only ask you to remember those things too. Please dont think I am a horrible person, and that I am only capable of mean things. I would have done anything you asked and I know hurting you and trying to ruin your life and relationships were not something you wanted.

I know nothing I say to you will change your mind. I am writing this letter in hopes that maybe you will at least listen. Im sorry that I messed around with you all those times. Because of the way things are now, it wasnt worth it. I only ask you one thing now. Please dont try to make my life a living hell. Maybe someday you will realize that you were wrong about me and the things you think I did, but I am not planning on it. It would probably be too late by then anyway. Please dont say mean things to me or "throw" things at me or have your friends give me shit. If you ever cared about me, even though you say you didnt, and knew me, know that I cant deal with it anymore without being insane or depressed. So if those are the things you want for me, I guess have at it.

Good bye Jesse. I guess this is the last time I ever have contact with you in any way. Take care and have a nice life, I will never forget you and the things you did to help me.

Sincerely,

Ashley

It's a miracle. Up and awake (yes, that order) and in the shower by 8:05. I haven't seen that side of 8:30 for a looong time.

The reason for unusual behaviour? I alarm set at 8 because I needed to be in work by 9am to meet the visiting client. Acutally getting up at said time because the heating in the house is broken. When you can see your breath in bed in the morning, it's not a good sign. It is also a quite unpleasant experience. I don't recommend you try it!

Lots of catching up with christmas tales from the people in the office. Mostly stories of drunken christmas parties (mine was quite a good one) and new years eve events.

Update as they happen.

back | days | forth

ick

Back to work after 3 weeks. Of course, nothing has changed, except my new determination to resign within the next month. It's strange how your attitude changes when you know you are leaving a place or company. A friend of mine called it demob happy, and I can now understand her meaning.

Keep in Touch

Two things were sitting on my desk as I got into work; an upgrade copy of dreamweaver 4 and a 2001 hard back diary. I'm more excited about the diary, geek that I am, the software just doesn't interest me just yet. It's kind of fitting in a way; I need something to note down all those contact details for the people I will be leaving behind when I move to the US.


More at lunchtime...

12:34

I was up until three last night, but felt that I might not really need to make another Early Daylog. =)

This morning?... well, nothing unusual happening, aside of the fact I had a quite painful cramp... (And when I log in, the last cool pick is "leg cramps"? "The fate, it seems, is not without the sense of irony." =) I'm downloading news.

17:01

Well, Here's one idea I've been toying with that might be cool to add to E2:

"My Nodeshells"

I nodeshell stuff every now and then with the intent to fill them later with content. Sometimes, hower, I forgot what I was supposed to fill...

So, showing what nodeshells I have made would clearly be an improvement =)

(Should this be filed under feature requests???)


Other day logs o' mine...

(...To be continued...)

Noded today by y.t.: Max Martin Dia Anacron cron (in series "I can't believe I'm the first who nodes about that" =) CUPS ipp FightMaster sfnet

Updated: You are being punished for your misbehavior! finet

start the week. time to contract and shrink.

wake up, walk cozmo, smoke a cigarette, watch the news, take a shower, go to work, make coffee, water the plants. do work. yes. do work. i actually must do work.

I feel pretty awful today, i'm surprised i got to bed at all last night. but i did. i didn't sleep well, kept waking up, and cozmo was being an asshole all night, but. but i'm awake and at work. and drinking coffee. and procrastinating.

so the first of the pregnant contingent at work pushed out a puppy. 8lbs, 20", girl. i didn't bother remember the name. another 8767 women are standing in line to push out their progeny -- all of them wondering why i'm not pregnant. i think they're putting anti-birth-control stuff in the water here. anyway. more later.
it's later... went home early to sleep, doc appointment at 4:30 was cancelled, doc told me to visit him tomorrow after the sonogram. picked up some wine on the way home from buying new plants... soon i'll play with the cactus garden a bit... my [sempervivum|sempervivums} need some work. i think i'll take what cuttings i can from the semps, repot them and plant an aloe i bought in the old pot.
Yesterday I whined about being without my car and without a way to dry my damp laundry.

I didn't actually ask "What NEXT?!", but God heard me anyway.

I walked to my appointment with the ear, nose and throat guy as planned. I did not plan, however, on the dry spell of the past few months suddenly being broken by a downpour.

Walking home, I appropriated some street spam -- corrugated plastic signs illegally posted in the right of way -- to use as an umbrella, since my umbrella is in my car, at the shop. A minute or two later, someone jogged up behind me and nearly wrenched my arm out of its socket trying to get the signs back. During a brief tug of war, I told him that they were illegal signs and they'd do more good as an umbrella. I consider it a minor form of squatting. He walked away without the signs, saying he'd call the cops. ("Hello, Officer? I posted signs in the right of way and someone removed them, so I attacked him." "We'll be right over, sir, stay where you are.")

I walked home with the signs, sopping wet except for my head, and got into dry clothes. I guess there's no hope for drying last night's laundry, though -- the weather doesn't seem to have done them any good.

The dealership garage says they'll TRY to have my car ready tonight. WHAT DO YOU MEAN TRY?!

"...Great, I'd really appreciate that, sir, I just walked through the rain to a doctor's appointment and I don't have a laundromat within walking distance. I really appreciate your help." You catch more flies with honey.

update, 5pm: I've got my car! I've got my car! The prodigal detachable penis has come home! I can go do laundry! YAY!

It's my birthday today, I'm now a 10 year-old trapped inside the body of a 20 year-old. Nothing happened today, one friend called and I got a few messages on my cellular but I feel apathy.

Yesterday I went to a very close friend's wedding, 19 years old and his wife (oh God) is expecting a baby in June, the poor bastard. I still feel like a ten year old, nothing has changed, I'm no more mature, I'm no more enlightened to what life is all about. I feel numb, the only thing that has struck any emotion in me whatsoever is my perpetually haunting question of "how the hell I got stuck with a motherboard that has an onboard soundcard?"

I've been toying with my indifferent soundcard all day since it, for absolutely no reason whatsoever decided to just stop sending a signal to the line-out. I haven't found an answer, and probably won't. Happy birthday to me, Unreal Tournament without the tormented screams of my victims.
Last night was a little rough on me.

I thought all this shit was over, but a few minutes after we sat down at the pub I could feel it starting again. I could feel it building up, and gathering power, and it got so that I could barely hear what anyone was saying.

On the walk home my roommate asked me what was wrong, and I broke down crying and said "I don't know I don't know I don't know" and then fell behind so no one could see me. But I'm glad she stayed with me for the rest of the night, even if I couldn't talk to her about anything. I don't want it to be a big deal or anything, so I'm glad she's the type of person who wouldn't tell everyone that I'm acting funny.

So I listened to Radiohead and stared at my wall and waited until it all passed and everything was quiet again, and wondered whether anything had happened at all. Who knows, maybe it won't come back again. Maybe it was never there. Maybe if I really make sure I want it to go away it will. Or maybe it's something I'm going to have to deal with. I've never been very good at dealing with things, especially when I don't really know what they are.

Maybe I just need to stop thinking myself in circles. It's really my own creation, whaterver this is. And if I created it, I should be able to stop it. It's like when I was a kid, and I would start thinking about how scary it would be if there was a monster under my bed, and then as soon as the fear hit me I would believe it, at least partly. Once it got that far I would be too scared to actually check under the bed, so the cycle continued until I finally forgot about it and went to sleep.

So I finally did forget about it and went to sleep. In the morning I almost didn't mind.

My cat is sitting on my lap. I assume she's dreaming, her little paws are twitching and she's making low sort of grunty noises. I've called in sick to work today, with a terribly legitimate reason.

I'm horribly constipated. Like, two weeks worth. I've tried various remedies (including of course, lots of fiber) to no avail. I called my doctor and he told me to go and eat some Colace and Metamucil, avoid the Ex-Lax, and call him again if I start to get seriously nauseous or start to vomit. I told him I've already lost five pounds and I feel awful, I have nicknamed myself bloat the goat.

I hope this ends soon. At least the cat is having a good day.
i love the snow.

i walk to class today... on my way to math... which in minutes i will find out is taught by the same droning incompetent man as last time, a thing which will nearly ruin my morning. but for now, i am finally *home*--here, school, is home, not texas--and i have the snow.

i walk in the white silence, and it begins to snow. the sun is in such a place that it catches each tiny flake and flares it into a falling, shimmering rainbow. The sky is alive with tiny glowing shining flecks that fall on my face as i look up to them.

i love the snow.

I got up at 7:15. I hate the morning!

I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. Lucky I have a lot in the reserves from the break. So, I was ok for the first day back at school.

The first day back at school was unremarkable. I found out that all 4 of my exams are at 8:45 am. ARG!! I am going to do a real world trial of E-Test on Thursday. It should be interesting seeing a bunch of grade 10s trying to uses it. I have decided that the version of E-Test that I hand in will be a Beta version. This means that it should be able to do everything but I'm not making any promises about the stability of it.

Side note:
I have invited one of my friends on to E2. I don't know how she will adapted to life here. She is a real interesting person, but she isn't a very technical person. I worry that she will become annoyed with everything before she is immersed enough to see how cool it real is.


For anyone that is interested I am one node away from Level 4.
sometimes there is such an intense negativity in the air, and i am easily crushed by such stuff. sometimes i fall.

you.. even if i could tell you exactly what you are to me, how i look at you and what you've done for me, i don't think i would, i think i'd rather show you. i try, do you have any idea.. such a sweet face, i love the way you hold me and the way that you look at me from across a room. the way you always smile back if i should happen to smile at you. the fact that you can handle me (you can, and i know, i am not worried anymore, for once), i know you can.. even when i am feeling so cold and away, some place i shouldn't let myself into. i like that you don't let me wallow, or that i can't stay down when i think of it all coming together some day, and it will. instead of 'talking me down', you make me do it myself in a way that someone should have so long ago. i love the way that we mesh, or don't, respectively, and the way that it doesn't matter that bits of us probably never will and the way that it makes me love you so much more.

waiting is horrible.. not being able to give you everything (the little things), it hurts. i'm just so happy that you exist to be too sad about the waiting.. it also helps to step back and realize that months are not insane amounts of time, though still too long. woe. :)

i think i'll be back noding a little more in the next bit.. i have some ideas floating around. i'm really tired of random people saying negative things about my writing though, especially making nodes about it. if you don't like my writing, don't read it.. it's really that easy, i swear. or you could just send me money, pay me to stop writing, i'm all over that. actually, instead of not reading, just read it, and the more you hate it, the more money you send to get me to stop. damn that's a great idea. yeah. go with that. sorry.. sorry.

thank you to the mass amount of people who are so insanely nice to me.. even the random little msg's i get here really do a lot for my noggin'.

people i have been thinking about a lot lately, in no particular order, and with many missing: you, kate, jesus, jared, rob, k, matt (such amazing hong kong pictures..), you you you. you.

i know this daylog probably seems relatively long and probably boring to most.. but, whatever d00dz. :)
15:33 PST

Man, I hate Mondays.

Its been one of those days. I'm ready to go home and I have an hour left of work before I can go anywhere. The only good point is that I got my new headset and sound card working so that I can listen to music in the same headphones that I use for phone calls. I can actually listen to music and customers at the same time if I want. I really don't want that though, because then I'll be distracted by the music and won't pay attention to the person telling me about their computer problem.

Its icky and drippy outside today, but this weekend was nice. Alex and I drove around Mt. Tabor looking for houses that were for sale. We found a couple that we liked, so we have an appointment with a real estate agent on Wednesday night to talk about which houses we want to see. What a headache! Between trying to find a house and working on planning the wedding, things are pretty crazy. We still need to find a location, which seems to be the biggest obstacle. I need to make some appointments with people at various locations to get tours and see what's available, but when do I have the time? I can't take a ton of time off from work since I need my PTO for when we have the actual wedding and honeymoon.

I spent Sunday wandering around The Paper Zone, which is a store that sells, you guessed it, paper! I am going to make our wedding invitations, so I was looking for things to give me ideas. I have lots of ideas now, and I made a test invitation last night that looks pretty nifty. I will have to fiddle some more with paper and ribbons and stuff, but the invitations will be really neat. I only have to make about 15 of them, so its worth it to just make the invitations rather than pay someone else to print them. And, it will be more personal and special to send out handmade invitations. If this goes well, then I might make my own Christmas cards this year.

Tonight seems to be a night perfect for working at the computer on various things with mellow music on the stereo. We'll see though - I have to do some dishes one of these days, and clean things up around the apartment. At least I have mellow music in my headphones right now. Boards of Canada is the perfect soundtrack to a day that's grey outside. I think I will have to get some albums other than "Music Has the Right To Children".

One of these days, maybe I'll get to level 6. I need to write more nodes at home. I have more objects around me at home that inspire me to write. Work is just a sterile cube.

I am glad today is not yesterday. Those neural pathways displayed in yesterday's daylog are far too overdeveloped. Why can't I direct my brain-cell killing activities to THOSE ones!!! Die motherfuckers!!!

The Consumer Behavior survey is going well. I am just putting the finishing touches on it tonight and will meet with the Prof. in the morning. Today I started writing my log for Innovation and it was pure joy. It is going to be a gift to the Prof. I have only once thought this way about a school submission.

My brother's girlfriend said "yes" to his proposal. I can't help but be happy for the guy. They have only known eachother for three months but it seems that even though they are "jumping", they are doing so with their eyes open. Things are good!good!good! I sense an upward trend! I also read e and saw vintage e2. So many interpretations of a single letter. Beautiful!

Best line of any song ever:

"There goes my hero! He's ordinary!" - Foo Fighters

Ordinary people, extraordinary things flowing from them. Damn.

11:10pm

I got up early today to get over to college and get a parking sticker. I got over there, and all of the visitor parking spaces were taken and I could see a line out the door. I decided not to get the parking sticker today, and instead go back to my apartment, park my car there and walk to class. It's only about a mile away, so it wasn't a big deal considering that I do 3 miles on an average night on the treadmill.

I went by the bookstore, picked up the books for my class and headed over there to arrive about 10 minutes early. I picked a seat in the front and center. I'm there to learn this stuff, I'm not so concerned with the credit as much as learning the language.

Our teacher came in and she talked japanese to the bewildered class for about 2 minutes, before introducing herself in english. We then went over a simple introduction including how to properly bow. Hajime mashite josefu des. Doozo yoroshik. Finally we went into the hiragana table and practiced writing the first 15 hiragana: a あ, i い, u う, e え, o お, ka か, ki き, ku く, ke け, ko こ, sa さ, shi し, su す, se せ, so そ).

It was a great class. I can't wait to go back, and I think I'm really going to dig into this and really learn it. It's such an interesting language.

After class, I walked back home and got into my car without even going back into my apartment. I drove to work and had a fairly productive day. I got hit with a bunch of stuff right in the beginning, which I sorted through fairly quickly.

Nobody asked me how my date went. :( I guess everyone was just busy, since it was the first real full week back to work after the holiday season. I mostly wondered why neither TC nor JS had anything to say. They knew I was all tense about it on thursday and friday and they were quite supportive then, but then not a word today about it.

CR is a strange variable in the equation. He has been friends with Sara for over a year now, and he was one of the people who set me up with her and was encouraging our relationship. I sometimes want to talk with him about her, but I don't want to put him in an awkward situation by asking him about her. Am I just being paranoid?

Oh well. I don't mind taking my time and learn things on my own with her. I will see Sara tomorrow night, that's all that matters. I'm happy.

I spent two hours at the gym tonight. The last time I was there was a few days ago, so I had to make up for it. My weight was 2 lbs lower than the last time I checked it there. It's hard to tell exactly how my weight is going since it can fluctuate by 5 pounds easily depending on if it drank a lot of water that day or if I just ate or not. All I can go by is that there seems to be a general decline in my weight overall. I was there tonight until they closed. Good thing it's not open 24 hours or I'd probably have trouble knowing when to stop.

I wrote down a few things I need to get done in the near future. Sometimes I think this will help me to get it done. Sometimes I feel like I'm just making the same list over and over again. I wish I had more to add to this list, though. I could probably get it all done in one weekend if I wanted to. I need to find stuff to do around here.

I wrote this off and on over the course of the day. It was the first day back at school after the christmas break, but I was more engrossed in the progression of this than in polar to rectangular coordinate translation. It's quite probably my favourite of all the poems that I have written, and the most natural to write.



The snow billows
Across the field;
She stands beneath the tree.
Grey wrinkled leaves,
Sleeping branches;
The girl stares blindly at me.
I'm shivering,
Frost in my hair.
The sea's warmth can't reach me here.

How many years
Have we stood here
In these shadows of winter?
Eternally cold.

Nothing grows here,
Smothered by snow.
In the dead branches above
Dead ravens hang
Gazing at us;
Their beaks cry of untapped love.
Frozen, silent,
Yet deafening.
Pained tears sting my frigid cheeks.

Like great white sharks,
In icy seas,
We're standing here motionless,
As we slowly die.

In the sun's glare,
We played here once;
Hearts on fire, eyes alive.
The tree rustled,
Its branches green;
We watched the swans arrive.
Like strings of pearls,
Hung through the sky;
Flocks lead by the warm sea breeze.

We sat talking;
Trading secrets.
The long grass cradling us
Children to its breast.

But nothing lasts,
Summer ends; we
Fell to land on winter's face.
We should have left,
Taken shelter;
But she wouldn't leave this place.
So we remained.
The skies turned grey;
The silence fell with the snow.

We grew quiet,
Brooding, frozen
Amidst trivial concerns;
A lonely deafness.

Wind-blown hair; her
Only motion.
Her eyes project emptiness.
Her nose and lips
Glacial; sleeping
Peaks of icy nothingness.
Her heart; once warm,
Swollen passion,
Now grinding to oblivion.

An angel fallen,
Antarctica
Held open its toothless maw
To swallow her whole.

Caught on the lip
Of the wide mouth
Of forever; imprisoned.
And I, here still,
Locked with her;
In this ice floe we're embraced.
Kissed by frost,
I stay; caught in
A dream; waiting for a thaw.

Heinous in Germany - 08 Jan 2001

08/01/2001

I found a normal keyboard. I kind of miss calling it a kezboard for some reason (See Heinous in Germany - 07 Jan 2001). At any rate, my ramblings may make a bit more sense now.

After, amazingly, finding my way back to the hotel from Daniel's house, I took a shower and dove into bed. They have those nice douvet covers that are so comfortable. I woke up in the morning sometime around sunrise, which seems to be around 7:15 or so. I have no clock, so I am a bit in a time warp. I got dressed and packed up my stuff, trying to figure out how I got it all in my backpack the first time . . hmmn. Daniel called and groggily explained that he would be showing up sometime around 10ish, and then we would leave for Nuremberg. I decided to have some nice fruhstuck. I did.

Daniel finally showed up, and we took off for SuSE (after dropping his mother off because the train was broken after all of the tree branches fell on the traintracks.) People really do drive fast on the autobahn. Daniel had some problems finding Nuremberg, but he finally did. We roamed into the SuSE office. We managed to find Renate (the secretary of a really important guy), and she gave us some access card/key thingies for the doors. I was then dumped in Olaf's office (Olaf is the PPC god, with whom I work). I greeted Olaf, who was as excitable as ever (Olaf is not really that exciting). I roamed around for a bit and saw some of the office on my part of the 4th floor. I had a cigarette with Ule (or however you spell that) and Daniel.

I hacked around for a while, and then went to say hi to Marc Ruehrschneck (a guy whom I used to date, and almost moved to Germany with). We went and had lots more cigarettes with Edith (Marc's co-worker). Then Marc helped me find a bank to change my money. I now have lots of "monopoly" money. After this, Marc had to go see the dentist, so I went back to hacking around with Olaf.

Around 6 or 7 I started to feel extremely fatigued. I guess all of the not sleeping was catching up with me. Finally Daniel and I went in search of my hotel. It is called Florida Something. After driving in many circles (the whole town appears to be built on a big circle) we found the lovely "hotel". It was by far one of the most unpleasant hotels I had seen, but what the heck.

Daniel kindly gave me a phone card, after I noticed that the hotel room did not have a phone. I slept for some 13 hours.

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