April 18, 2001 (idea)

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been at least a month since my last noding... as mentioned above though, this hopefully gives me some stealth. I am hoping, you see, that no one I know IRL will read this for a while - they don't tend to read daylogs and although active noders, probably won't check my WUs list for a while. (Perish the thought!)

help im a rock reminded me of a text I sent to a friend of mine not long ago - "I hate my life, how are you?". She liked it so much she bought the company!. Oh, wait, that's something else. Well anyway, she kept the message.

The whole point of this daylog, if you're wondering, is just so I can bitch about my life, so most of you should probably scroll down now. It's my own fault too - I've had a year to do my 3rd year project (the big one) and I have currently barely got a few hundred lines of code and it's due in in a week and a half. Along with a 15,000 word writeup. That would be annoying enough - but 4 days after it's due, my finals start. The ones that determine my whole degree mark. So I should really be revising. I am in deep trouble.

Of course, although I should be working, I went out tonight. A friend of mine called me up because she was in London (as opposed to away at Uni) and was bored. This friend is in fact an ex of mine - we went out with each other for a very short time (she ended it before it really started) and I haven't really seen her since then, but we have kept in touch. And today, out with her, I realised two things:

• We really do have very little in common and it would never have worked.
• Holy god she is gorgeous. I mean really, catch your breath, gorgeous.

She's not conventionally attractive really - I mean not the model type. But that's not for me anyway. I don't want to describe her too much because it would compromise her anonymity, but she has the clearest, most stunning blue eyes ever. And - even though we are just friends (she has a boyfriend now), she still has this habit of looking into your eyes anyway, as most people wouldn't in casual non-flirty conversation. This is very disturbing and I actually found myself purposely not looking at her while we were talking so that I would be able to continue to think straight. :)

Since I met her, I have been interested in a couple of other girls, but seeing her again just reminded me that none of them can compare. That in fact maybe no one ever will. I'm really scared that I might be denied the opportunity to feel this way ever again. And I don't envy any future girlfriends I might have either, since they will come up against an impossible ideal I seem to have created. The point is, until today, I had mostly forgotten about her, and that will happen again, but every time I see her it will renew this in my memory. To compound the issue, she complains to me that she has a lot of male friends and that when they get girlfriends they often break off contact with her, and that she's tired of losing touch with people. Little does she know I think that I also think I should never see her again, for my own sanity. I don't think she'd really understand.

When we initially broke up, it was a positive thing because I'd never felt anything like how I felt for her ever before, and so I felt it was a worthwhile experience just to know what I could feel. Even when I've been in love before, and I have, it was different. Maybe this is just acute lust, who knows? Anyway, I thought I had something to strive for, relationship-wise, life was worth living in pursuit of my new ideal. Today, when I saw her, it just reminded me how far I still have to go.

Someone help me!