If I had a giant friend made entirely out of bubble gum, I’d introduce him to Mr M, my pet red M&M I carry around everywhere with me. Together they’d keep me warm and safe from the Nasties and spit in their eyes. I have a list I keep beside my bed of them, and every night I read that list out loud and repeat over and over “I’m going to cover you in marmalade and strap you to a fire-ant mound” in my head. This is quickly followed by switching the bedroom light on and off exactly 37 times after washing my hands with soap, detergent and industrial antiseptic before bed. I feel somewhat relieved, however, that I have not come across any crazies yet.