To cure the common cold -
- Take two slices of bread, a wedge of salted butter, one small onion, one jar of English Mustard, one jar of Marmite, three eating knives and chopping knife.
- Butter the bread.
- Thickly spread the mustard on one slice, the Marmite on the other other using a separate knife for each. Otherwise you get buttery mustardy marmite and every combination thereof which is a bit gross, especially as it looks like an infected gut-wound.
- Dice your onion. Evenly place the diced onion on the Marmited sliced of bread.
- Place the mustarded slice of bread to form the top of sandwich.
- Press down firmly on the top - you should do this without forcing the filling out of the sides. Just enough to get it all firmly stuck together.
- Bite. Chew. Swallow. Breathe clearly. You're cured!
In all fairness, any bug that can survive this treatment deserves its chance to kill you.