Chinese have many hells, I certainly do not know them all, yet I have stumbled into one of my own free will.
A hell of living with your ex-girlfriend who you love so much it hurts watching her without touching her.
Do not mistake this for a sexual thing, for it is not.
It is a case of
Wertherian
weltschmertz, that
Goethe has coined. I am aware of the insanity of the situation, alas, I cannot be helped. Looking at her hurts.
"I averted my gaze. She ought not to do it, ought not to excite my imagination with these scenes of divine innocence and bliss, or awaken my heart from that sleep which the indifference of life lulls it to!--And why not?--She has such trust in me! and knows how much I love her!" as Goethe would put it.
I invoke the ancient gods of self help for the low self esteem tribe: Dr. Ruth, Dr. John, Oprah and fellow TV print deities...assist me. save my soul from eternal damnation of a lovers spurn. Yet they stay silent.
I spend nights sighing and looking at the white ceiling coloured by cadmium street lights. And it is my third day without sleep.
"And now, I am a great pretender, pretending that I am doing fine. My need is such I pretend too much..." as Mr.Mercury would put it.
And look.
A tiger as a has been.