How to Become a Stalker (in 10 easy steps):
  1. Choose your subject
    Ok..This is the hard part. Your subject must be someone that is perferably soft-spoken, non-violent, utterly beautiful, and totally and completely out of your league. You must have some type of informal and frequent contact with the person, say at school, at a job, at church, or at a club.
  2. Fall madly in love with this person.
  3. Obtain every piece of information you can about this person.
    Find out their phone number, address, birthday, religious affiliation, hobbies, nervous tics, shoe size, wrist circumference, social security number, etc.
  4. Call them.
    Remember, this person loves you and wants to talk to you at all hours. If you don't call, they may forget that they love you. So call. Every hour.
  5. Visit them often
    How can little stalkers be produced if you are never around. Go. Now. You may get laid. If you don't know where your love is, find him/her.
  6. Always remember: They love you, they just don't know it.
    Continually remind yourself and your victim of this fact.
  7. Remember: You will do anything to get your love...
    ...including, but not limited to, stealing, embarassing yourself, crying like a monkey, violence, kidnapping, moving, and a host of other erratic behaviors.
  8. Make friends with all his or her buddies.
    Employ them in your plot.
  9. Do not let the law stop love.
    Or your parents, his/her parents, a restraining order, big men threatening you, friends, or death (yes you can stalk from the grave!).
  10. Never, ever give up.

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