Ok, I admit it, it's all my fault
I messed up, and I messed up bad. She was an old acquaintance who used to hang out in the same channel as me. I'm usually careful about this kind of stuff, so I almost never spoke to her before that day. That day...that dreadful day. I should have known what this would come to. We had spoken briefly once before. Ok, maybe it wasn't so brief. Maybe it was for an hour, maybe two. It felt brief though. It felt like I had only spent minutes with her. It always feels like I've only spent minutes with her. Why do I let her do this to me? It's all my fault.
She's was about to graduate from college, and was about to head out looking for a job. She was talking about how a particular job wasn't going to pay enough. I just wanted to give her something to think about. I just wanted to give her a quick piece of advice. So there I go, I open my big mouth and msg her. "Money isn't everything you know." It's all my fault. I should have just said it in the channel. I shouldn't have made it personal. I shouldn't have made it private. Next thing I know we are in a deep philosophical discussion about a plethora of topics. I couldn't help but think, "what an amazingly intelligent person". Only to be followed be the thought, "what an incredible woman." Now I'm thinking, what an incredibly titillating dead end relationship. it's all my fault
Days go by, weeks go by and the discussions get deeper, some get more personal. The usual stuff, boyfriend's a jerk, life sucks, etc. The same day she tells me she's suicidal is the same day that I tell her I am going away for a couple of weeks. Totally unrelated, but still quite disturbing. She promises me she won't kill herself, I promise to write her. I swear I just wanted to help. I just wanted to relieve her suffering. Now it seems I'm the one suffering. It's all my fault. We departed kind of suddenly, it seems we always do. She mentioned that she wanted to talk to me the next morning. I felt special. I waited impatiently for the next day. But she never showed. She certainly put me in my place. I felt rejected. I asked for it though, it's all my fault.
I return from my "vacation" but she didn't. I was sure she didn't take her life, but I was confused by her disappearence, where did she go? A month goes by, and still, no one has heard from her. After a while I finally stopped thinking about her. It's all my fault.
A month and a half later I'm goofing around in the channel, I really shouldn't have been. She joins the channel and I feel like I've seen a ghost. My name is the first to hit the screen...how special I felt. But still, I could have ignored her. I could have pretended I was afk. But no, I had to open my big mouth. The fire is set ablaze. The conversations continue, and worst of all I enjoy them. Her mind works in ways that are almost supernatural. It's not even like I can blame her, it's all my fault.
So here I am noding at 2 in the morning about someone I've never met, about someone I never will meet. The sad part is I have no one to blame, since it's all my fault.