NATIONAL IRONY DEFICIT DISORDER LEVELS DANGEROUSLY HIGH!
Is Irony Deficit Disorder on the rise? Experts say "yes"!
Two weeks ago, when Irony Expert Dr. Joseph
Campbell accidentally flipped his television to the
Lifetime Channel, he stumbled upon a shocking fact; national Irony
Deficiency Disorder levels had increased by nearly 700% in the past year!
Since then, thousands of volunteers from all over the United States have
banded together to combat the epidemic. Thanks to the massive public
response to this threat, clinics for free Irony Deficit Disorder testing
and medical care have sprung up in every major city. At this point, all that the
volunteers can do is make the afflicted comfortable and lock up their poetry
journals, but the search for a more permanent cure is already underway.
Invented in the late 17th century by William
Shakespeare, irony was first used as a literary technique, and is generally
defined as "incongruity between what might be expected and what actually
occurs." Since its invention, irony has played a major role in our daily
lives, even having great historical impact. The evolution of the human mind
to contain an 'irony gland,' which allows us to recognize irony and find humor
in everyday life, has been key to averting such major disasters as World War
IB, The Great Nihilist Revolution of Luxembourg, and the Sloth-Bear
Crisis of '84.
Given the importance of irony, the recent rash of Irony
Deficit Disorder cases has been of great concern to today's irony experts.
Extensive research has tracked the progression of Irony Deficit Disorder, and
allowed experts to chart its demographics. Defined as "a disturbing
inability to recognize the humorous irony of a given situation," Irony
Deficit Disorder has been spreading like wildfire amongst the US population,
particularly its teenagers.
Symptoms of IDD include: decline in sense of humor; bad poetry; and a distinct
increase in the so-called 'whine hormone,' known as angstigen. If you
notice any of these symptoms in friends or loved ones, you are advised
to contact your local Irony Deficit Disorder clinic immediately.
A sample of pure angstigen was recently
recovered by one of our reporters from a nearby laboratory, and it is displayed below in its solid
form. Please, ladies and gentlemen, read with extreme caution. This is what
our brave scientists are up against.
"I sit imprisoned
in my parent's house by the sea
Alone in my grave of tears.
My friends do not love me
I am too deep for them
Left alone in the dark ghetto of my soul."
Through further research, irony experts have been able
to determine that the overproduction of angstigen, the root cause of
Irony Deficit Disorder, is largely a lack of perspective. Scientists are
currently working to develop a cure that can be either swallowed or, in
desperate cases, administered intravenously. Samples of this 'perspective
juice' are even now being tested on an obscure species of moss with an
irony system said to most closely resemble that of a human being. Meanwhile,
poised on the very edge of disaster, an entire nation waits for news of a