Character sketch:

A middle aged man, not well groomed.
Not well dressed and more than a little overweight.
Unnamed person works maintenance or housekeeping in a large office building I happen to have been visiting.
He was exiting the restroom I was entering when I noticed him. Actually, not exactly true. I noticed the scent he left behind.
Heavy cologne residue. Heavy, as in a lot.
He was soaked in very high end cologne. The pricey stuff: the 80 dollars for a small bottle stuff.
So I did wonder, as I tried to put the scent with a name-

Why would this be a priority?
Was it a gift from a girlfriend? A boyfriend? His mom?
Would he voluntarily spend a week's salary on cologne?

Lastly, does this work for him?
I wonder these things, though I likely will never see, or smell him again.

So my girlfriend just got back in town and obviously I wore her ass out (Jamie god I'm so exhausted... what are you doing? ok FINE one more ohgodyesdontstop).

Between fuc­king sessions, she goes and uses the bathroom downstairs. My house is laid out like the fuc­king keebler elf tree, downstairs is the kitchen/living room with a bathroom. Upstairs is a gigantic bedroom (the stairs are steep as fuck it's like a ladder/stairs situation), and I'm pretty sure it's not legal for human occupancy. Aside from that it's fucking awesome, I have a skylight, a balcony, and like i said my room is enormous. $400/month utilities INCLUDED, son. I talked the landlord down from $600+utils so that's a brag imo.

Anyway, my toilet is all fu­cking possessed or something, and occasionally it gets stuck on perma-flush. I don't really care because utilities are included, and it sounds really weird when it gets jammed so I notice immediately and just fix it. My girlfriend doesn't have the same ability to notice when something mechanical is fu­cked up.

So, the girlfriend goes down, uses the bathroom, comes back up, we continue our fuc­king session. About an hour later, she goes downstairs to grab some food or something and she goes "Oh god Jamie, what the fu­ck." I assume she saw a bug or some other girly shit so I'm all "just fuc­king squish it, chill out no big deal." She goes "No seriously, get the fu­ck down here." At this point I'm thinking "must be a big fucking bug. Maybe I should put pants on. Fu­ck that I'll crush it with my co­ck."

I get downstairs, the entire fuc­king downstairs area is legit flooded with two inches of water. I carry her ass out of the house, toss her on the front porch, she splits, I proceed to drive to my parents place to steal a wet-vac.

What happened was this: she used the restroom, and clogged the toilet. When she flushed it, it fuc­ked up and went perma-flush on her, creating a "perfect storm" of sorts when it comes to indoor plumbing.

The next four hours consisted of me wet-vaccing the entire house (no shoes), calling my friend who rents a room in the main house to make a beer run for me, and mopping the entire area with dish soap (no bleach available). Thank god for wet-vacs. I had to empty it three times, and it has a 14gal capacity. My house was flooded with 42 gallons of shitwater.

After I was finished, I washed my feet like an OCD motherfuc­ker. I went to the local crackhead-populated gas station, bought a forty, chilled, and then wrote this writeup.

When will the guy get back from vacation? You've certainly been waiting for a long time - I just hope he doesn't jeopardize the completion of your paper. It's kind of strange that it's taking so long for him to respond these days - he always seemed so helpful before.

I hope the nausea and heartburn doesn't last much longer. I feel helpless watching you suffer - I'm sorry if sometimes it seems I'm ignoring you when you're in pain - I just don't know what to do. I guess if the pharmacist says Tums then Tums it is.

You've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hope all goes well. Hopefully he can help with your discomfort too.

Still no news about your parents' visa status. Let's keep our fingers crossed that they'll make it - you'll be needing more time to relax in the months ahead.

Matthew seems to be doing good though - even if he is annoying you by doing stuff like messing up your old photos. I guess that just means we'll need to find a new hiding place for them.

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