Somewhere I have never traveled, gladly beyond
I asked you to read it.
Pinned to my door, a sign, a desperate plea
for you to connect with my poetic side…
I do believe you briefly
glanced at it, but I don’t believe you understood it…
That was so long before everything happened…
Dad said he wanted to write a story, telling everything that happened, from the first day he rushed
to bring you to the hospital, after you had coughed up blood all afternoon.
He started to. Dad always had good intentions
I wish I hadn’t been such a bastard
But my mind was too weak to comprehend, the emotion wasn’t there.
I didn’t think
about the fact that you were stuck in a bed all day, while I went to school and had fun.
I would come home and mud
for the rest of the night.
I would act pissy
whenever you asked for food, or comfort, or friendship.
I wish I could slap my younger self
, wake myself up and talk to you.
I’m sorry I never understood your beauty
, at least not until it was too late
I can’t hear the word cancer
without the deepest hatred for disease
Talk while you’re still conscious
, before the morphine
gave us so much hope. Too much.
Even Dad hadn’t seen it coming, the last month was hell
I think of movies
like Good Will Hunting
with characters who’ve dealt with cancer, and I feel kinship
I believe that I’ve felt what they feel.
But there will never be enough words or pictures to explain how I feel now.
I’m sorry I wasn’t a better son.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.
I love you Mom
, and I miss you.
died July 20th, 2000, My father
died January 13th, 2001.
My mom had lung & brain cancer, and died at 48.
My dad died from heart problems, he was 58.
I guess I’ve written this as a warning, if you know someone with a life threatening disease, spend as much time with them as you can.
That’s stating the obvious
, but don’t cop out
is what I mean.
all the love