There are several ways you can go about getting out of work. Sure you can just not show up, or just get up and leave, anyone can do that. This gets you marks on your record and gets you fired, however. The REAL show of style and skill is taking a deserved vacation and getting away with it.

Having a job is a great thing, provided you actually WANT to be there. Getting out can be more difficult though, especially if you want to be able to return to said job later in the future and still find you have a position there. The most common method of getting around this is calling in sick.

Calling in Sick:
Doing this can be quite simple, and when pulled off correctly can even let you get by without a write-up or occurence. Step one of this method is to pick up your phone, usually the day of your desired absence, and call your place of work. Many places have a front desk number or hotline that you can call to report your absence, which can make it far easier than talking to your actual boss, which can cause unneeded stress that may cause you to fuck up. Don't be too elaborate on this one, just state that you are sick and give a believable symptom. It's much easier to accept, "I'm not going to be in to work today, as I've got a nasty stomach cramp," than to sit there and mill over, "Well, I ate a taco from Taco Time lastnight, and apparently it must not have gone too well, because now I've got a nasty headache, can barely move, and my head hurts like a bitch. I also suspect I'll be constipated and stuck around here all day." The latter provides way too much information that a person who should not be able to show up to work would likely give. Think about it. If you really ARE unable to move, are you going to care about giving a paragraph on your troubles, or are you just going to want to utter, "sick... tummy funny..." into the phone?

Now that we've got that done, you may go enjoy your day. But what if you don't want this going on your record, or you want an excuse for being sick... say... THREE days in a row? This too, is not too difficult to prove. Check your employer's tardy/absentee agreement, usually they have a stipulation for serious illness, which is fortunate for you. If you were the kid who could pass himself off as sick to your nurse mother during school, you can go to the doctor and try to feign illness. Suggesting something along the lines of food poisioning or a previously unknown allergy could get you the required note to waive your absence. If this fails, you can usually hack it from a previous piece of paperwork from your doctor you may have around, or just swipe some of his stationery and do one yourself. Imagine the possibilities! Explosive Random Hemmhoroidal Discharge! Who's going to want to argue with, or even BEGIN to discuss that? You can also, with some skill, usually cook up a document from scratch with a name of a doctor and that hospital's logo, though this is quite time consuming and could lead to accusations of fraud if you happen to be called on it.

Death in the Family:
A lot of companies also have a policy that immediately waives absence to take care of a death or crisis if needed. The advantage to this one is that as long as you don't mind exploiting "poor sick granny" for your own vacation time, you're set. Usually an employer won't want to insult you or set you off by asking for proof, and it's perfectly normal to be gone for up to a week taking care of your late grandmother across the country. Also, your employer or boss can't do much about this, as (s)he could get in serious trouble for pushing the matter and sending you off the deep end.

Should proof be required and your job threatened, however, you've got a few choices. First off, you could procure a copy of a death certificate for a relative of yours, altering the name and date of death as to make it more plausible. Second, depending on your employer's policies, you might be able to threaten charges of harassment on the matter, the major downfall to this being if your employer decides to call your bluff, you're pretty much done, seeing as the courts can procure the REAL death certificate. This is why it's sometimes a better idea to go with...

Family Crisis:
The Family Crisis is a timeless escape from work and school and can be pulled off anytime and for various durations. Modify the Death in the Family excuse and you get a week to take care of a relative who may be passing at any moment. Have a friend call you up at work. Be creative here. "John? Dude, I'm at work... OH JESUS FUCK NO! PLEASE NO! I... I... I'll be right there!" Just make sure to look bewildered and urgent. Should your boss hold you back from this, you truly work for the world's biggest asshole. It should also be noted that this works quite well on a bad date also. The main advantage to this technique is that it's great for an on a whim need/want to leave work.

In General:
Just watch out when you're using these methods. They could get you into more trouble than it's really worth, and possibly some legal trouble, so BE CAREFUL! And remember, if you REALLY want out, the best way to go is with a method I call the "resignation..."

Other Stuff: This is misc. stuff myself or friends have done or thought up that was entertaining or whatnot.
- As my VERY brief stint as a telemarketer, I decided to see what I could get away with. Told my direct supervisor I had a nasty case of "Retekramelet's Disease," He actually bought it, acted very concerned, and wanted to know when I'd be expected back to work.

- A friend of mine once was being quite vague, and just called in saying he had some "problems" preventing him from reaching his workplace. They were quite cooperative with him and concerned about him when he got back to his place of employment. Well he had forgot that he had left Die Hard playing in the background, and everyone knowing he lived in a shit part of town... :)

- A fun variation on the Family Crisis is to toss in a reference to some form of pop culture. I've always wanted to see the reaction on someone's face when I pick up my cell phone, and answer, "yeah... uh huh... Timmy? The WELL?! What about La-... Shit. Be right there."

- I wonder if it'd be a lawsuit if you accidentally got hit by a car in the parking lot if you claimed you were distracted by work issues...

- Should you really want to screw your employer, especially in the food industry, get up and walk out in the middle of a busy time. See if you can get anyone else to do it and watch the higher-ups flip out as they're left to run the place on their own. That'll teach 'em to give such shit pay!

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