A city in Michigan near Holland. Home of the Zeeland Chix, the headquarters of Herman Miller, Howard Miller, Gentex, and Batts. Actually this place has more churches per capita than Grand Rapids.

See a church on every corner

Zeeland, Michigan is a evil place on the outskirts of Holland, Michigan. It has a population of about 5800. The town appears quaint at first, with a cute little shopping area on Main Street, with cute little plants and flowers. All of this is a cleverly implemented ruse to make people believe that this is a nice place. Don't let the bastards fool you.


Zeeland was originally founded by asshat fundamentalists, who were kicked out of the Netherlands because they were too religiously intolerant and were being dicks about it. They were crammed on a boat, shoved out into the Atlantic, and told to never, ever, nenevernev, neverever come back. These assholes joined the rest of the intolerant folks that had settled on the eastern shore of Lake Michigan, killed the natives, and built several thousand churches. The attitude of these original settlers can be found in the village today, thorugh an all-encompassing atmosphere of intolerance and hate.

City of Industry

Zeeland is the home to several companies that you have probably heard of, including such heavy hitters as Herman Miller, Howard Miller, Gentex, and Batts. These companies take advantage of the ignorant residents of Zeeland by making them work in their factories for low wages, and then selling their products for thousands of dollars. These companies should be encouraged in this practice, as it fills the locals idle time between going to church and repressing their children. After all, the more time they are working or praying, the less time they can run around spreading their fascist hate across the rest of the country.

Zeeland Today

Today, Zeeland finds itself at the convergence of suburban sprawl and theocracy. Zeeland is a dry town, so you’d better not think about buying beer anywhere in the village. Instead, one has to cross the line into Holland, making sure to go to Family Fare to buy beer (because the other grocery store will stone you for saying the word "alcohol"), and then bring it home when you’re sure no one is looking. The town is full of people who are completely out of touch with reality. Some residents will curse you for working on a Sunday, while others will assume you are a terrorist simply for being from out of town.

In conclusion, Zeeland, Michigan should be subjected to a decent firebombing, followed by a thorough sowing of salt. And everyone said Amen and Amen.

random encounters with some really "fired-up" locals
business dealings with people worried that I was a "terrorist"
your mama

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