Is something wrong with me? Is my mind
slipping? Is the world
around me melting
I wake up, not knowing where I've been, not knowing what I've done. I feel like I've been dreaming, but the dream never seems to end, even when I wake up -- or am I really still asleep? I have flashes of memory, of hazy nodes, of strange writeups that seem to be from another world. I can't think, but I can't go back to sleep either, if I'm even truly awake. I check my profile. Did I write all these nodes? That's my name on them, but I don't seem to remember... or do I? This is just like my dream, except, (I think), it's real. In the dream... so many unfamiliar nodes in my profile with my name on them, yet I have no recollection of them. So I must still be dreaming... right?
My head hurts. It's getting worse. Pounding. Thoughts richochet painfully off my aching psyche.
These nodes... did I write them? I don't recall. Did I dream them into existence in my sleep? Sometimes I feel like I'm another person. I think I might be. Sometimes I think I can almost feel another person thinking he's me. She's me. They're me. It's me. Nobody's me. I don't know who I am, or where these nodes came from.
My password... I thought I had changed it, but now it's back to what it was. That must have only been a part of the dream. No... I never changed my password, I only dreamed that I did. Or did I, and am I now dreaming that I didn't?
The headache is getting worse. I'm going to pass out. But what happens when I do? Will I wake up someone else, with more unfamiliar nodes in my profile? If I'm really awake and not just dreaming this, I've written thousands of them... why do I remember so few? Why... why do I remember dreaming about remembering them?
Is someone else in my mind? Do I even exist at all? Is the dream I seek to escape the only reality I have? Is it my own subconscious that wrote those nodes, or are there entire other minds within me, battling for control while I think I'm sleeping? What do they want? Are they really me? Do any of us exist? Are any of us in control? Or are we all trapped inside this same nightmare?
My head is going to fucking explode. I look blankly at "my" node list, not knowing what to believe. I can barely think. My XP... what happened to it? I seem to remember something, at the edge of my mind... but it's gone now. The XP just doesn't add up. That means there's a bug... or I'm still in the dream. It must be the latter. It must be. I don't want this to be real. I'm going to wake up.
Wake up. WAKE UP! I can't rouse myself.
But my head hurts too much for this to be a dream.
I realize I can't even remember my name. I can't remember where I live. Do I have a family? I have vauge recollections of other times, other places... I must have gone to sleep at some point, or else I couldn't have woken up into this.
Oh... the Chatterbox. I just noticed it. People are talking to me, but my mind hurts even more as I look at the words. They're talking to me, but they're not talking to ME. They're asking me about things I've never heard of before. They're addressing me as if I were someone else. They act like they know me, but... wait, don't I know them? I can't remember. As I focus on the messages, they start to seem more familiar... then a bomb of nausea explodes inside of me and I almost black out.
The messages... I can't make them go away. I try to delete them, but they stay. They're always there. More and more voices... always more, always more.
I'm shutting down my chatterbox. I can't take it. Who are these people. Why do they seem so familiar? Why do they seem so unfamiliar? Did I dream them too, or are they trapped in the same illusion that I am?
I can't take it. I close my eyes and think about sleep, and the headache fades as waves of darkness roll over me. I can sleep again. My consciousness is slowly sliding into the blackness... maybe when I wake up, if I ever wake up, I'll be myself again. I'll know who I am. Maybe I'll only "wake up" to find that I've been noding again while I thought I was asleep. Maybe I'll wake up to oblivion. I don't care. I can't care. The only way to stop the dull, throbbing pain in my mind is to not care... if this is a dream, so be it, if this is hell, so be it, if I've gone mad, so be it... I can only slip off into sleep.
As I slip into sleep, my final thought is that maybe if I wake up, not remembering anything, I'll find this node, and not even remember writing it. Maybe it'll help me understand what's going on. Maybe my other self will succeed where I have failed. Maybe if...