Whether you find yourself falling down a vast chasm toward certain pain and dismemberment, or wearing an obnoxious sailor costume and named after a planet, or if you're trapped inside a small black and white box with lettering over your head with no hope for escape, one thing is certain: There are a number of important things to consider if you think you might be a cartoon character.

  1. Are you in fact two-dimensional? That can be a bloody dead give-away right there.
  2. Do you happen to have super powers? If so, this may not be all that bad. Granted, the type of super powers may have to do with your future happiness. If you have X-Ray vision and can see underneath women's undergarments, you'll have a much better time of things than if your ability involves projectile vomiting or turning yourself inside out at will. Unfortunately this may mean you're trapped inside comic books and those things just aren't doing as well as they used to.
  3. Are you being drawn well? If you discover that the artist is throwing you together all haphazardly, and the brushstrokes are rapid and messy, you might consider trying to get yourself an agent, or perhaps you should go on strike. Not being drawn well can have serious repercussions on your self-esteem. However, if the artist is drawing you surrounded by scantily-clad women with very large breasts, you may not mind so much.
  4. Is your best friend a talking furry animal? For that matter, are YOU a talking furry animal?
  5. Is it possible that you will be spun off into a live action motion picture? Scooby doo had been waiting for this to happen for years, but when it finally happened, the end result was more flat than the original cartoon. If you find yourself in an animated feature or a really flat movie, you can fight to get yourself back into live-action. Unfortunately, you may find yourself looking like Freddie Prinze Jr, but no one ever said life was going to be easy.
  6. Do you get to cuss? If any time you attempt to use profanity, you hear beeping noises or see strange random punctuation marks over your head, chances are you're trapped in a censored 'family fare' kind of reality, which could be a fate worse than death. However, if you can let fly the "F" word with impunity, you're all set!


The possibilities are endless, and things are not as bad off as you might think they are. Granted, chances are you'll never have sex again (unless you're trapped in hentai) but chances are you'll never have to pee again either, so it's a mixed blessing. Consider yourself lucky. It could be much worse. At least you're not trapped in a Woody Allen film.




More Things to Consider:
7. Can you survive a ten story fall, an anvil to the head, large explosions, sharks, or many other perilous evils? Many an idiot has lost his life thinking he was a cartoon character. IF YOU ARE NOT SURE that you are a cartoon charater do not do any of the following:

-Swallow cakes with sticks of dynamite in them
-Play a xylophone set up by Bugs Bunny
-Stand anywhere near a construction site
-Stand near live electrical wire
-Drink from any bottle with a skull and cross bones
-Run across heavy traffic and get flattened
-No matter HOW delicious he may look, *DO NOT* chase a roadrunner into a train tunnel
-Go swimming. Period.
-Enter the nifty looking haunted house.
-Play with fire as though it were a baseball.

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