, before we turn down the lights and start the party, feel free to modify the rant to fit YOUR favorite MTV
star. May I recommend one of those perfect DNA kids from N'Sync
or maybe that guy with the shitty mop top haircut from Third Eye Blind
? Got yours? good.
I use Christina because she's my favorite example of God
putting beautiful people on earth to confuse the shit out of the rest of us. Let me tell you everything I know about my best friend Christina Aguilera. I know a lot about her, by the way. And I'm not even a fan
or her steady boyfriend
. I know that Christina is a heterosexual
male's wet-dream come true. I'm not sure how tall she is in person, but I bet my 5 foot 6 stature could make out with her just fine. Her skin and complexion are nice. She has big, round eyes able to do that sexy vixen
'come hither you drooling, useless male' thing. She can, with the power of cable
, dance and jiggle into my living room every morning at around 4 am, jump through my gawking eyeballs, down into my gut, and manipulate all those little iddy biddy things inside me that beckon to the lowest, most pathetic yearnings of my salivating attraction to the female species. I've never had a conversation with her per se*, but I bet she's really, really smart. I mean, she dresses herself and all. In those clingy belly shirts
with the scalloped sleeves. And those hip hugger red vinyl hoochie mamma fantasie-
Ok, so she's not a genius
. I digress.
I'm a firm believer in beautiful people. Especially girls who look like my Christina. They have the very important job of walking around in open areas so I can spy on them from my pre-determined vantage points in park trees, trash receptacles, whatever. I myself am not beautiful. When God was putting together the handsome boy bodies in the big baby factory high in the sky, my naked ass was later found by St. Mark
in the factory cafeteria, wildly rocking the ice-cream vending machine willy nilly to score more free Klondike bars
. I accept this choice. I stood resolute about my decision to be born a smart fat kid then, as I stand equally resolute now.
Some people find it offensive on so many levels to have people like my girlfriend Christina Aguilera on TV. They see her perfect body, nice skin, and piercing vixen eyes as some kind of tainted statement about our society, commercialism, and the general debasement of popular culture. While this is all painfully true, it's remarkable to me how most of these critics miss out on the most mission critical reason to loathe these people.
I know it hurts your ears to hear them sing their songs. I easily admit that I watch MTV with the sound muted on my 19 inch. But just do it once. Sit down and calmly turn the channel to the music-all-the-time station. Eat some doritos
. Wait for Christina to come on. And make a conscious choice to LISTEN to what this girl is saying.
This perfect thing, who probably has never felt an ounce of resentment or alienation in her life, will sing verses and verses of stuff I go through all day, every day. Somewhere deep in my brain, where I keep most of my sanity, the situation of watching a pretty girl sing of relationship woe and lack of love snapped off a fuse. The conundrum of it sent me into an epileptic-like seizure. As I writhed there on the floor, sweating and spitting up cheesy dorito mush from my nose and throat, all I could wonder was WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
I know girls and guys HALF of a HALF as cute as Christina Aguilera
. These would be my geeky yet amazingly cute hybrid friends that I've been lucky enough to meet here and there in life. And THEY GET CHICKS AND BOYTOYS JUST FINE. Sure, most of them turn out crazy or stupid in the end, but that's not the point. The point is, you're confusing me MTV. And if you're confusing ME, that means you'll have the ability to confuse anyone with the mentality of a 1st grader
, ok? Beautiful people don't have problems fat**, normal, E2-noding people have. I will SO break up with you Christina if you sing one more verse of how it feels to walk in the rain, wishing you could have your honey back. YOU'VE NEVER DONE THAT IN REAL LIFE. I HAVE. It's horrible and wet. You vomit a lot and get called names by your roommates. Please stop degrading my personal nightmares
with your three minute blasphemies on it. I could never understand the formula of how a music executive takes these impossibly perfect visual examples of our species, puts them in a 3 to 5 minute musical spectacle of background dancers and big, flashing things and has them drone out line after line of painful breakups and emotional stress.
You know what I'd like to see my wife Christina Aguilera do? I'd like her to come on MTV and sing songs with upbeat lyrics of how perfect her life is. I'll even let her use the same music and beats already written. Tell me about how, since you were a kid, you've always been popular. Tell me about how you always had a boyfriend and many friends. I'm not trying to argue that this will somehow be a positive change in the right step to bringing down the weird marriage music and corporate interests seem to have. But at least dumb
kids like me won't ever think that girls and guys who look like that are like me. Cause deep down, they're not. And that's it.
And yes, I would divorce my wife Christina to go out with a plain looking girl that sang her songs of loneliness or mental isolation on MTV. Cause I could respect an average girl that was singing from experience. More than respect, actually. I'd kind of think she was hot BECAUSE of the fact. If MTV could just once mirror reality, I'd see a kinda chubby, glasses wearing, sincere social misfit singing accoustic songs of E2
noding all night.***
*Oh right, like you never asked Britney Spears
out on a date through your TV. Grow up.
**Please don't come to NY and kick my puppy over calling you fat. I'm comparing your body weight to Christina Aguilera's. This makes ANYONE fat
. You could be skinny and still be considered a fatass
against that emaciated, breasty thing her package seems to excel at.
***Again, stay away from my little puppy Nigel. I'm just making a humorous jab at our E2 ways, as in how outsiders might percieve our almost sickening time spent noding