This is almost the nickname for the unofficial mascot/student at my community college. His name, given to him by a pizza delivery boy who was visiting a friend, is The Beast 3/4 (read: The Beast and Three Quarters). The man is 6'2" tall, weighs at least 290lbs, and is bald on the top of his head with long, scraggly hair that hangs past his shoulders on the back and sides of his head. He has a thick, bushy mustache and he wears glasses to top off his appearance. In proper lighting, he could very easily be mistaken for a beast more unholy than The Beast himself.

One of The Beast 3/4's trademarks is his backpack. It's a small backpack, even for someone of normal stature. Watching him put the thing on is horrifying. He can easily manage to slide his massive arm through the first loop, but he will wallow and flail about trying to get ahold of the second strap. After thirty seconds to a minute, he'll grab ahold of it, then slowly put his arm through the loop, obviously trying not to tear the tiny backpack to shreds. Once it's on, the fabric looks as if though it is on the verge of bursting, but he simply goes on his way, assured that his books and supplies will be safe. Although I won't go into detail, watching him get into a small seat is no less brutal.

Several legends have sprung up about The Beast 3/4 due to his beast-like appearance and mannerisms. It is said that his origins are not Hell, but actually someplace even more damnable: the Unnamed Place. If eye contact is made for more than a split second, you may turn to stone, much like the effects of a basilisk's gaze. If you are in the same room as him when he sneezes, there is a very good chance that your head might implode. When The Beast 3/4 speaks using his true voice, is is thought that the laughter of Satan can be heard, and that the very mouth of Hell opens, ready to release a thousand evil spirits. All in all, he is not made out to be a nice guy.

Of course, the purpose of this writeup isn't just to tell you about some silly myth and folklore, but rather, it's to tell you of the purity of imagination. As insane and far-fetched as all these legends are, they are still very creative and full of life. They demonstrate the power of the human imagination, even after childhood has passed us. I still can't help but wonder how such silly things get started, because I always assumed that adults remained so earthbound and mundane. Thankfully, they do not.

The Beast is also the title of a plethora of movies. My favorite was filmed in 1988, and stars (among others) Jason Patric, George Dzundza and Stephen Baldwin. It?s the story of a Soviet tank and its crew, set in Afghanistan during the Soviet occupation of that country.

The Afghan War has been called the Soviet Union's Vietnam, and this film brings home this comparison with striking and downright nasty clarity. The plot, while simple, is riveting. The tank and its crew are separated from their forces after destroying a village and torturing some of its inhabitants for information on the local mujaheddin fighters. Navigating via dead reckoning, they set out across a desert towards a well-traveled military road.

The tank crew consists of its commander, a grizzled veteran played by George Dzundza; three young Russian conscript tank crewmen, and an Afghan Army Major who acts as translator, guide and liaison. As the tank makes its way across the desert, it becomes clear that the commander is not entirely sane; he begins to recall his days as a young boy fighting the Wehrmacht in Stalingrad, where he was dubbed 'Tank Boy.' He is already suspicious of his driver (Jason Patric) a conscripted academic who has voiced reservations about the war and their conduct of it. He's also dismissive and harsh to the Afghan Major.

As the tank grinds on, the mujaheddin (who have returned to find their homes in ruins) give furious chase. The tank crew begins to understand exactly how dangerous the enemy is, and how much more dangerous their commander might be.

I won't go any further, since this is just the setup; however, I found this movie to be a biting, poignant look at what war can and does do to those it touches. Noone survives this ordeal intact, in one way or another; and what happens to them is riveting enough that I couldn't leave my seat.

I strongly recommend this film if you enjoyed Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Hamburger Hill, A Midnight Clear or Mr. Roberts.

Warning: the reviews of this film at are massive spoilers.

The longest wooden roller coaster in the world, The Beast is one of the top attractions at Paramount's King's Island, an Ohio theme park. Designed by Dinn Corp. and built by the in-house King's Island Engineering and Construction crew, The Beast opened on April 14, 1979 after costing four million dollars to create. Made of southern pine lumber stained with a redwood finish, its track is 7,400 feet long - not only the longest wooden track, but the longest of any type in the United States and fourth longest in the world. The Beast has two major drops: the first, after a 110-foot lift hill, is 135 feet, and the second drop is 141 feet at a forty-five degree angle - the seventh longest drop in the world for a woodie. There are three trains, each carrying thirty-six riders through the ride in three minutes and forty seconds. The Beast's top speed is 64.77mph - the sixth fastest woodie in the world - and it can process 1,200 riders per hour, with nearly 33 million people having taken the trip. After winding through thirty-five densely wooded acres, the ride ends with a 540-degree helix before returning to the station.

The Beast is part of a family of wooden coasters at PKI - the park is also home to The Beastie, a coaster for children, and Son of Beast, which holds several records.


Let's get the confusion straight in ghetto Gotham
The man behind the mask you thought was Batman is Bill Clinton
Who soon retire, the roof is on fire
Connie Chung brung the bomb as it comes from Oklahoma
Things are getting serious, kumbaya
On a mountain Satan offered me Manhattan, help me Jah-Jah

"The Beast" is also a song from the 1996 Fugees album The Score. It deals with the War on Drugs and police brutality and racial profiling and all the other issues that most red-blooded Americans don't give a good flying goddamn about.

The track is also known for having one of the best interludes in rap history, the famous Chinese Restaurant in the Hood sketch. As a group of Taiwanese ESOL students aptly describes it:

We will also include the dialogue at the end of the Beast. I only got a vague idea. There are two men and a vender who is selling chicken wings. They have some disagreement then the vender call them refugees, then the song begin. It might imply to people's stereotype of Refugee and bring out the issue. As Lauryn and Praz rap in the songs, they are looked down by people and in the black list.*
Anyhow, the interlude opens with a couple of brothaz going to a Chinese restaurant. One orders "a half a chicken wing... don't put that little retarded leg on it," and then the other butts in with "Yo, yo, yo yo yoyoyo.... I need, I need fo' chicken wings, fried hard and shit!" The (presumably) Chinese guy behind the counter gets touchy about both of them ordering at once, and eventually an argument breaks out.

Do you think I open a restaurant in the middle of the hood and don't know what's going on?
Nigga, I...
I fucking represent!
I fuck you the fuck up!
I will avenge my brothers by representing and whooping your ass WORD!
Nigga, this ain't channel 5, nigga! Somebody gonna die for real!
Okay then, I must show you Flying Fist of Judah!
You ain't gonna show me shit.
That's right!
I'm gonna show you these nuts right here...
You and you!
Nigga's straight from Mortal Kombat!
You're just talking! Obviously, the two of you are just bitch-ass niggas!
Nigga, why not DO somethin' then, you talkin' so bull-shit?
Wassup, wassup, nigga, wassup, punkass?

Okay then, all right then, this is a Chinese restaurant, but like Burger King, have it your way!
(FAP) (POW) (SLAP) Aaaaah! Aaaah!


The Beast is an independent weekly newspaper and website published in Buffalo, New York, founded in 2002 by former the eXile publisher Matt Taibbi and Kevin McElwee. The current editor-in-chief is Allan Uthman. The politics generally run towards anti-big-government left-libertarianism and it frequently lampoons political figures, both local and national and from both major parties, rather harshly.

The Beast is probably best known for their annual The 50 Most Loathsome People list, published yearly in early January. The list frequently ends up copied to numerous blogs. The 2004 list became notable because it caught the attention of paranoid actor Tom Cruise and his equally obnoxious attorney Bertram Fields, who threatened to sue the paper because Cruise was prominently mentioned. The story broke on Court TV and in other mainstream media outlets like the Washington Times. The Beast, seeing an opportunity for free publicity, actively encouraged the lawsuit. Contrary to their standard practice, Cruise and Fields let the issue drop, most likely because they realized they had no case whatsoever, The Beast had no money and the controversy was really being used by Cruise to promote his bomb, War of the Worlds. Cruise ended up being more prominently listed in the 2005 list the following January, after his famous jumping the couch psychological meltdown on the Oprah Winfrey show.

The Beast's website can be found at

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